Saturday, September 29, 2007

A challenge

I was just over on Mary Hunt's blog (http://www.moneyrulesdebtstinks.com) and she is suggesting that people join her in Frugal Week (Oct 1-7) and 'for seven days all participants will commit to a specific and challenging frugal behavior of their choice.' I've committed to:

1. not using the debit card all week,
2. drinking only water all week (no juice) and
3. eating all meals at home and from what's on hand

I'll have to pick up a few things tomorrow to make this happen (mostly my stuff for smoothies). It will be a good challenge for me. Lots of people are giving up pop, snacks and coffee. Mary has committed to not spending ANY money that week (she'll be traveling too!). If I had more than one day to plan I might try not spending at all, but I only have tomorrow to get ready for the challenge. I'll try to keep spending to a minimum though. My Jeep has a full tank of gas, so I won't have to spend any money on that. I have plenty of food in the house so meals shouldn't be an issue. I'll only need to get smoothie mix and bananas so I can have a smoothie every morning after my walk. Lunch is still a difficult meal for me to figure out but maybe this week will give me a chance to work on my creativity. I already have plenty of stuff for main meals. I should be okay too just drinking water (no juice). I'm way over budget this month (September) anyway, so I should try to really curb the budget this coming month. I'll have to remember to check in on Mary's blog this week

Just finished up putting away the delicates. The towels are in the dryer. I'll probably finish those up in the morning since it's already 9:30pm. They won't be dry until well after 10pm. I don't anticipate staying up that late tonight. I'm going to go get ready for bed now. I'm looking forward to my walk in the morning. I hope it's not too cool or windy out. Either way, I'll just bundle up and go walk. Goodnight.

The Day Goes On

Hey, guess what? I'm not behind on the bills like I thought I was. I had already set the bills up for payment online. Imagine that! That is so cool. It's nice to be ahead of the game.

We had cheesesteaks for dinner tonight. Again. That's not going to help my body clutter. I wasn't going to get anything but since David was having something I did. I'd like to blame him, say he was a bad influence, but it's really my own fault. I gave in. No one made me eat that stuff. It's okay though. I'll get up tomorrow and go for my walk and get back on track with my eating. I wanted to get some candy tonight, but I didn't do that. Score one for me.

Jeans and sweats are sitting in the dryer, calling my name. I should go put them away and get the delicates in the dryer and the towels in the washer. The pants aren't quite dry yet, so I set the dryer for another ten minutes.

There was just a strange banging sound coming from the bedroom. When I went in there the dogs were by the bathroom door and I could hear Minnie on the other side. Somehow she was locked in the bathroom while we went to the store. Thankfully she didn't making any mess in there. I let her out and she was happy.

How beautiful it is to nap

I just woke up from a well deserved afternoon nap. Why was it well deserved? It was well deserved because I had a productive morning. I went for my morning walk and listened to the book on tape I have from the library (Stephen King). I jumped in the shower when I got home from my walk today. I didn't procrastinate today. Go Me! After my shower, I made my smoothie and shared it with David. It was delicious.

It's very easy to make. First, I add some ice to the blender. Second I add my fruit (usually a banana and some frozen raspberries). Third, I add my vanilla smoothie mix and last, I add 2 scoops of vanilla protein powder. Then I just blend it together. I pour it in my cup and then I wash the blender out. I follow Marla's suggestion to add some water to the blender, then a bit of soap and blend to clean it. It works like a charm. I set it on a towel on the counter to let it air dry so it is ready when I need it the next day.

Laundry was next on the list. I sorted the clothes into four, small piles. The less there is in a load of laundry the quicker it dries and the faster I can get it put away. If there if a large load of laundry I tend to procrastinate about putting it away. Speaking of laundry, the dryer just buzzed. The shirts are dry. I need to go hang them up.

I took the shirts out of the dryer and hung them all up.

Emptying and reloading the dishwasher came after the laundry this morning. It took a lot less time than I thought it would take to get all the clean dishes put away and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

It was a cool, autumn morning so I thought I would take advantage of the weather and get out in the back yard early to clean up after the dogs. Even though it was sunny and cool, I was glad to get that finished. The girls were out in the yard with me. For a few seconds, they were both resting in the grass. I wish the camera had been out there, but it was in the house. I would not have had enough time to get it before they got up. As soon as they would have seen me going for the door, they would have jumped up and followed me. They looked gorgeous sitting in the green grass.

Huxley and Blitz did follow me into the house once I was done in the back yard. They headed for the bedroom not too long after coming in the house. I followed them this time. I opened the window on my side of the bed and the fall breeze came rushing in. It was a perfect time for a nap. I didn't think that I would fall asleep but I drifted off quickly. The wind, beating the flag on the pole, woke me occaissionally. In seconds, I was able to sink back into my nap. The dogs slept with us and were kind enough to leave me enough room on the bed and adequate covers to buffet the cool breeze. David and the girls are still sleeping.

I'm continuing to plug away at the laundry. The jeans and sweats are in the dryer and the delicates are in the washer. I like getting the laundry out of the way.

I've been putting off making a home made dinner the last couple of nights. Thursday night we had steak and cheese sandwishes from Trivelli's and last night we had cereal. I didn't wake up from my Friday afternoon nap until almost 6:15pm and 'Ghost Whisperer' came on at 7pm. So, we had cereal for dinner. I did have the veggie soup in there, but I didn't feel like eating soup last night. I think the reason I've been hesitant to make dinner at home is that the next recipe is for Tomato Pork Chops and I'm not sure if I will like that or not. I guess I could just cook regular pork chops and not worry about having to make that recipe. There are options.

I must check to see which bills are currently due. I'm having some difficulty getting bills paid on time because I am using web bill pay. I enter them into the web bill pay system later than I should and they are not sent on time. It will take some hands-on experience with the online system to figure out when to enter the bills for scheduled payment. I'll be on top of it soon enough.

The wind has picked up. The porch swing rocks back and forth with it's unseen guests. The sky is full of rain clouds, but that doesn't mean we will get any rain here. We could use some rain today. Of course, if it rains, then David won't be able to mow the lawn. I'm sure that would break his little heart. ;-)

It's too early to start dinner, but I can start thinking about how I'm goiing to cook those pork chops. I'll reread the recipe and see if it seems like something that would appeal to me. I'm not very hungry right now and thinking about eating pork chops isn't making me full any less full.

David is awake and out of bed now. Dyrk just called and wanted to talk to him and I brought the phone in to him. They girls, however, are still in bed. Oh, wait a second, they just got up too. Now everyone is up from the Saturday afternoon nap.

So, the laundry continues, the dishwasher will be started after dinner tonight and... hold on. David just asked if we could go get something to eat. I'd like to tell him that we really can't afford to keep eating out and we have plenty of food here, but he'll get angry because he's been in a grumpy mood lately. I don't want to deal with that, so I guess we'll go get something to eat.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Ducks

The dreaded shower is done. Why do I dread it when it always makes me feel so good? ~shakes head~ I had my smoothie before I took my shower. Imagine that - I did things out of order! ~lol~ Seriously though, I do feel like there is a particular order to things and that when I do them 'out of order' I feel weird. I don't just want my ducks in a row, I want them in the correct column too. Perfectionism. That's what it is. I get so nervous about doing things out of order that I end up not doing anything at all sometimes. But I've been doing well lately. Going for a morning walk, drinking a smoothie for breakfast and getting my shower done as early as I can is now becoming a part of my every day routine. As I get more comfortable with it I'll add in other things to the routine. Babysteps. There are plenty of things that need to be done around here, but like I said earlier, I'm going to take it nice and slow today and not push myself.

The sky is overcast today. I love days like this. I wouldn't mind getting a day of steady rain but I'm not looking forward to the colder weather getting here. I think I'm already stressing out over the impending winter weather. I need to let that go and just enjoy today.

My Mind: and welcome to it

I wonder if I looked back over the last two weeks of blogging if I could see my mind slowing slipping away. I'm sure that I could. I should have known something was up when I started having trouble typing. I was making a lot of mistakes, like I was just a bit off. There were signs. But they were so subtle that even I couldn't see them. Not until they were the size of a billboard. Though I'm back on track, my pace is slow. It takes a while to get back to whatever normal is for me. But at least I'm on my way.

I went out for my walk this morning. I took it easy. My pace was slower than usual. But it felt good to be out there doing something productive. I listened to more of the 'Secret Window, Secret Garden' book on tape. I didn't know if I'd like having James Woods reading it, but I do. He is an excellent story teller.

Yesterday when I wrote that I would 'be kind to myself' I knew exactly what i meant by that. I was going to eat junk food. That's how I would be kind to myself. That's how I would deal with the stress. So I did eat some junk food. I had a cheesesteak and fries from Trivelli's, a Hawaiin Punch (loaded with sugar!) and part of a king size chocolate bar. Not the really big one, just the one that is like having 1 1/2 - 2 candy bars. I felt like I 'needed' chocolate. What I really needed was comforting. I don't know that I know how to get that without turning to food. The food did take away some of the stress for a time, but that's the thing about not dealing with the feeling itself, it always comes back. Not only that but I actually got a stomach ache from eating that junk. But I didn't let it put me in a spiral out of control. I got up and went out for my walk this morning and I'll have my smoothie for breakfast. And I'm still going to go over to Lisa's for scone day. I'm not going to punish myself for having a bad day.

I need to take it slow and easy today. It's not a day to push myself to get stuff done. I'll do my usual routine as much as I am able to. I will jump in where I am. I will remind myself that I am not behind.

I thought about deleting this blog last night. Get rid of the evidence of a mind slipping away. But that wouldn't change anything. And maybe I'll find out that I'm not the only one who goes through this type of momentary madness. lol I'm sure other people have times when they feel that they are not quite so steady on their feet and it wouldn't take much to tip them over. I'm just silly enough to document a time like that.

Well, all this blogging is great, but I know it's just a way to help me procrastinate about taking my morning shower. I'd rather just sit here and veg. But I am going over to Lisa's today so I need to get the shower over with. And I know that if I can get a few things from my routine done that I'll feel better. So, off I go.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I messed up

I called David a little while ago to tell him that I'm not having a good day. And I know why I'm not having a good day. I should I say days. I haven't been taking my medicine for weeks now. I have some, I just started feeling like I won't be able to afford all my medicine so I needed to stop taking it. I wanted to see if I could be okay doing without it. I always think that I'll be okay with out it. And I am for a few days or weeks but then it all goes down hill fast. That's where I am today. Down hill. I'm questioning everything. Nothing seems right. I can't get on track. I hate being dependent on the medicine, but I don't like feeling like this either. So I went ahead and took my medicine today. It will take days or more for me to start feeling better. I need to cut myself some slack until I do feel better. Today has been chaotic to me because my thoughts are racing and I can't focus. I feel like I messed up again. How many times am I going to do this to myself? LOL I'm laughing because I know this. I've been here before. But it's okay. I'll be kind to myself and take care of myself until I get past this (again).

Articulation

I think I'm feeling depressed . I went to bed fairly early last night just to escape being awake. And today I'm feeling trapped. Not sure why. I've been dealing with depression for a long time now and it never feels comfortable. You'd think that after feeling like this for so long that there would be some comfort in the known feeling, but there isn't. It always makes me feel like something bad is about to happen. And I feel like I'm living the wrong life or living life the wrong way perhaps. Either way, it's not a great way to feel.

I'm sure that part of what has brought this on is the situation with Brad. I don't want my life turned inside out again but I'll feel bad if I don't help him. This is a lose-lose. He's supposed to got to see his PO today. Then he said he would call and talk to me about Amanda. All I've ever seen in that relationship is disrespect, verbal abuse and the two of them trying to control each other. He said that he loved her, and maybe he still does, but it's an abusive relationship at best. If he wants her in his life he's going to have to do that on his own. As a matter of fact, he's going to have to do it all on his own because I'm not going to enable him again. Bailing him out does not help him. I'm not sure what he's going to want when he calls, but no matter what it is I have to be strong enough to say 'no' to him. I love Brad and always will, but I don't particularly like his behavior. He's foul mouthed, he has anger issues and he's not always truthful. But he has a great sense of humor, he wants nothing more than to be loved, and he's my boy. How do I say 'no' to him?

Completely changing the subject:

I went for my walk this morning. This book on tape is really good. It definitely has my attention. It makes walking even more of a pleasure. I've been getting out there every day and walking. Even on days that I don't feel like walking. I'm doing great!

Today is FlyShow day. I need to think about what I'm going to talk about today. I know it will have to do with emotional body clutter, but I'm not sure what exactly.

I was thinking about Marla last night. I'm worried that she is 'cluttering' her life up with all of these new things she is doing. Sometimes I think that if we don't have physical clutter around we make mental or emotional clutter to take it's place. She has so many things going on at one time and I don't think she's able to put time into all of them to make them work. She started jumpcut and has kind of left that. She puts a lot of time into Eric Dodge's career. Now she has this new guy, Jonathan Roche, her virtual trainer, that she's now working with. And last night she emailed us about another little project she's been working on (benefitbar) that will need some of her time. Maybe I'm just unnecessarily worrying about her. Maybe she is the kind of person that can successfully do this many things at one time. Maybe I'm just being selfish and I want her to make the Flybabies her first priority. As she becomes more popular, she's going to have less time to do what made her popular - taking care of her Flybabies. Maybe I'm just feeling like all of these things she's doing is bringing in too much clutter into my life. I guess I need to work on my boundaries and just do what is right for me. I can't do that many things at one time so I'm feeling anxious for her. I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I just worry about the path she is/I am going down. It doesn't seem simple enough any more. There seems to be a lot of clutter. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general these days. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way about their lives or about Marla.

Somehow I need to figure out what is really bothering me so I can discuss it with Marla and Leanne today. I feel like I've done a great job at decluttering my home and I don't like the way it feels when my life starts feeling cluttered. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm thinking that this is my own, personal problem. When something new comes along, I want to be involved in it. I want to be part of 'the club'. If I don't jump on the band wagon, then I feel like I'm left out. If it's good for 'everyone else' then it must be good for me too. But I know that's not true. I have to decide what fits into my life, my routine and what doesn't. What works for someone else doesn't necessarily work for me. And that's okay. It's supposed to be okay anyway. I don't know that it really is for me.

I guess the issue that sticks out in the last couple of days is that I have a hard time saying 'no' to whatever comes along. I want to feel like part of the gang, so I try to incorporate everything into my routine whether it fits or not. I usually know at the beginning that it won't fit, but I talk myself into trying it anyway. I need to get comfortable with my routine before I start changing it up or adding to it.

So, what do I talk about today on the FlyShow? How is this emotional body clutter effecting my physical body clutter? I gained a bit back today because I ate too many carbs again yesterday. I was feeling 'nervous' and when I feel nervous I turn to carbs. Maybe that's what I should talk about today.

Can taking in too many suggestions become clutter in our lives? Everyone has something to offer and if we take it all to heart then it is bound to clutter up our lives.

Okay, I just took a break and has my smoothie for breakfast. I shouldn't wait too long after walking to take in some energy. So that's done.

I wish I could be more articulate about what I'm dealing with today.

I just thought about something else in my life that makes me feel the same way. I joined a bible study here in our community quite some time ago. I go off and on. Mostly I go out of a sense of obligation. I said I'd go, so I should go. I know that people wonder about me if I don't show up. I'm not brave enough to say that I don't want to go anymore, so I just keep going, letting it clutter up my life. It's not that it's a bad thing. It isn't. It's a great get together. But I don't know that it's for me. I can make a choice to not go, but I'd feel like I'm disapponting people if I do that. I wish I could just show up when I feel like showing up and not have to worry about explaining myself on times that I don't.

In addition to the bible study, I've also been asked to do other activities in the community and to do volunteer things outside the community (but with community members). I have attended a couple events but honestly don't feel like it's something that I want to do long term. It's the same thing: I'd like to show up when I feel like it and not have to explain when I don't.

That's how I feel about most things in my life. I want to 'show up' when it feels right and 'stay away' when it doesn't. I don't mean that it's a negative or bad thing, just that on that day I don't want to be involved. And I don't want to feel like I owe anyone an explanation about why I wasn't there. I don't feel like there is a happy medium. I either have to show up every time or explain why I didn't.

I also don't want to be volunteered to do things. As soon as it feels like an obligation, I bow out. May not be the right way to feel, but I do feel that way. I was doing some volunteer work, showing up when I felt up to it, but then it was almost assumed that I wouldn't mind picking someone else up to go too. Well, I haven't gone since I was 'volunteered'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. There are going to be days that I don't go and I don't want that to mean that the other person can't go because I don't.

Is any of this making any sense? What have I stumbled onto here? Do I have a fear of responsibility? I guess this makes this come full circle. I feel like I'm living my life the wrong way. I'm trying to do what others want me to do. Not because they are making me, but because I have a hard time saying 'no'. I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to let people down. But is that really what I'd be doing? Isn't it more disappointing to tell people that I'll be involved and then keep ducking out? What if I went through a whole day and just did what I wanted to do? Not being selfish or thoughtless, but doing what fits for me, what feels best. Would I even know what to do? Why can't I just say 'thanks for the invite but that doesn't work for me'. Would I feel like I'd have to explain why it doesn't fit? What do I really want for myself? What kind of life do I really want to live? I've trapped myself into an existence that doesn't really have meaning for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy with my life. I just don't know that I'm actually living the life I was meant to live. I've been drifting along trying not to rock the boat.

Anyway, I still haven't figured out what to talk about on the FlyShow today. lol Guess it will come to me like it always does.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Body Clutter: The Saga Continues

I remember, in my early years, using food to comfort myself when I felt lonely or abondoned. My dad would often leave us for extended periods of time with no explanation. And I would turn to food. I found out when I was 11 or 12 where he had been going. My dad had a secret family at the same time that he was married to my mom. Another woman, more kids, the whole thing. I was devastated. What made it worse was when my mom said that my dad left us because of us kids. At the time I just took what she said at face value. I believed her. It was my fault that my dad had left us. It wasn't until much later in life that I realized that if my dad had a problem with kids he wouldn't have left us for more kids. My mom just couldn't face that he hadn't been faithful to her. I can't imagine how devastated she felt. I ate to get through that difficult time.

When I was an adult I did the same thing. When things would get tough I would either eat too much or not eat at all. Food soothed me, comforted me. Or I could punish myself by not eating. It was a horrible roller-coaster. And it's one that I just got off of recently. I am used to losing weight quickly (usually some kind of fad diet) and gaining it back just as quickly. The last 3 or 4 years have been the hardest for me. That's why I decided that it was time to make some changes.

I'm doing things slowly, taking babysteps. If my nutrition, my movement or anything else becomes too big a part of my day then I need to stop. There has to be balance. I need to be content being who I am now while working at getting healthier (not thinner! healthier).

Food: I signed up for Leanne Ely's Body Clutter Menu Mailer (savingdinner.com). I would get overwhelmed with food: shopping for food, storing food, preparing food and eating food. If I looked in the fridge and it was full, I would panic. Too much to deal with. So using the BCMM has been a God send for me. I don't have to think about what meals to cook (it's planned for me), what groceries to buy (the list is prepared for me) or having too much on hand. I know that what I have belongs to a meal. It's not 'extra' food that needs to be gotten out of the way. I'm using Leanne's recipe for a protein fruit smoothie for my breakfast. The less choices I have to make the better. So it's nice to know that breakfast is a smoothie. I can always have something else if I want it, but I'm fine having the smoothie most mornings.

Movement: Up until a few weeks ago I was sedentary. The only time I got any exercise was when I did things around the house (laundry, cleaning, dishes) or went grocery shopping (back when it was a nightmare, pre-BCMM). But I was encouraged by Leanne to just get out there and walk for 5 minutes and then walk 5 minutes back. In my mind it had to be an hour walk to be of any consequence. After talking to Leanne I was able to cut myself some slack. It was okay to take babysteps. I didn't have to do it 'perfectly' right off the bat. So I went out and walked for a few minutes (which in my sedentary state seemed like a lot) and then turned around and went home. I did that for a few days then decided that I could make it a mile around the neighborhood. What I didn't think about was that once I was half way around it didn't matter which way I went, I still had halfway to go. So I gutted it out. I made it through that first mile. I was so proud of my effort. So I kept it up. I'm still walking a mile almost every day. I feel great knowing that I am moving. I'm not sedentary anymore.

Emotional Body Clutter: There is a lot of emotional body clutter that goes along with this journey. I'm grateful that Leanne and Marla talk to me when I call in to the FlyShow, that they are encouraging and supportive, that Flybabies respond to me on the Flybaby forum and that I have this blog to turn to. I think that if I didn't have these outlets for the emotional and mental issues that I would be eating myself to death.

That's enough for now.

Settle down

I'm feeling overwhelmed today. Marla has introduced a personal trainer to her audience. His name is Jonathan Roche. She mentioned him on last weeks FlyShow. His program (interval training and the No Excuses Work Out) is helping her with her body clutter. I did some research on the plan. The pricing for the plan is realistic (about $70) but it's not something I have room for in my budget. So now I'm dealing with all kinds of emotional body clutter. Am I missing out on a better workout? Will I feel left out if 'everyone else' is doing this plan and I'm not? Now, what I'm currently doing seems sub-standard. Why do I feel this way? I always have to have the latest and greatest everything. How can I 'survive' if I don't join in? ~sigh~

Now, I'm not blaming any of this on Marla or Jonathan. It actually sounds like a good plan, he's offering free downloads of workouts to try and this is working for Marla. I know it's my emotional body clutter that I am dealing with here. Why am I in such a tizzy? Will there be any point in me calling in to the FlyShow on Thursday if I'm not planning on participating in Jonathan's plan? What I'm doing is still working for me. I need to remember that. Not everyone is going to want to or will be able to join Jonathan's plan. I won't be the only one.

I get so caught up in whatever is new. I want to be a part of things and I don't think about the consequences. Or should I say that I used to not think about the consequences. Today I am looking at what this would mean for me. I'd be spending money that I don't have on a program that I may or may not follow and I'd be doing nothing more than trying to keep up with the Jones'. I'd be doing it just to say that I had jumped on the band wagon (even though Marla says that there is no band wagon lol). I need to take a deep breath and realize that what I'm doing is good enough. I'm walking up and down inclines during my walk (which would be like intervals I would guess). I'm breaking a sweat. I'm having fun. And I'm losing body clutter. It's working for me. Like Leanne says, why fix it if it's not broke.

I'd just be doubling my efforts. I already have the BCMM that I have paid for. I'm enjoying having my smoothie for breakfast. I don't need to spend money on 26 pages of recipes from Jonathan. I'm sure they are great recipes, but I don't need them and I can't afford them. I have already worked walking into my morning routine. And the routine works. Why would I want to introduce something else into my day that may or may not work for me? Walking is free. Blogging and calling in to the FlyShow to stay accountable are both free. Why would I want to start paying for something that I'm already getting for free? That just wouldn't make sense. Just because Marla's doing it doesn't mean that I have to do it. I have a choice. My life is just that - my life. And I choose not to start a completely different plan at this time, one that would cost me money.

This is why blogging is good for me. I usually would have just jumped in and then regretted my decision (for financial and personal reasons, not because the plan isn't good). This time I thought it through and realized that what I'm doing is good enough. In fact, it's more than good enough for me. It works just fine. I enjoy going for my walks, listening to my relaxation tape or a book on tape while walking and coming home and having a smoothie for breakfast. I don't need to get myself riled up here and jump in with both feet if I haven't thought it through.

But I have thought it through and I'm going to stick with my current plan. It's a good thing to settle down and think before acting.

No Excuses Weight Loss

I didn't buck the system for too long, just a few hours. I finally jumped in the shower, had some soup for lunch and did some errands. It felt good to get my franny in gear. What got me motivated is a show I listened to on BlogTalkRadio (BTR). The show was hosted by personal trainer, Jonathan Roche and his guest was Marla (FlyLady). The show is called 'No Excuses Weight Loss with Jonathan Roche'. He talks about interval training to crank up metabolism and burn calories. He places a great importance on drinking water. Jonathan is a personal virtual trainer. I'm going to listen to the whole show now.

Check out http://www.momentumfs.com/ (Jonathan's site)

or his show on BTR http://blogtalkradio.com/noexcusesweightloss

Bucking the system

I've decided to buck the system today and see if I can still have a 'good' day. Didn't bother taking a shower yet. Had cereal for breakfast instead of a smoothie. Not following daily routine 'perfectly'. Can I still feel good about myself if I just kind of drift around today? Will I let perfectionism ruin my day?

stinkin' thinkin'

I got up around 8am today. I took care of the dogs and got ready to go out for my walk. I was more than happy to go walking because I was looking forward to hearing James Woods read more of 'Secret Window, Secret Garden'. It's a lot warmer out this morning than it was yesterday morning. So I rolled up my sleeves and proceeded to walk and listen. Again, I felt like I had walked a bit faster, keeping pace with the story. My shoulders didn't hurt near as much as the were hurting before. Listening to this story while walking has turned out to be a positive thing for me. I walked my normal mile+ and now I'm taking a break before I jump in the shower.

Today is Wednesday - Anti-Procrastination Day (APD). I'll have to muster up all that is within me to not procrastinate about taking a shower today. I also want to spend 15 minutes in each of the office and the guest room, doing a bit of decluttering. I've been putting that off and today would be a good day to get to it. There's not much to be done really. It just always seems like there is more than there is. I'll feel better once I get it done.

I was thinking this morning about how I rate each day (good or bad) depending on what I have done that day. The more I get done, the better the day. The less I get done, the worse the day. I don't think it should be like that. I don't want to be happy just sitting around all the time and watching the house fall apart around me, but I also don't want to have to be 'doing' all the time just to have a positive day. How many times have I said, "It's been a good day. I got a lot done". Too many times! Or 'I had a bad day today. I didn't get much done'. My level of 'accomplishment' shouldn't be so tied in to how I feel about myself and my day. I know that I do have 'good' days when I don't get much done. Or do I? Isn't there some guilt lurking in the background, creeping up into my conscious mind, asking me how I can feel good when there is still laundry in the dryer or dirty dishes on the counter. And do I ever really feel 'good'? Isn't there a part of me that thinks it's all an act. That I'm not capable, deserving of feeling good. This is what marla calls 'stinkin' thinkin''.

The timer just went off, so it's time to go jump in the shower. I'll get back to this later.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Feeling anxious

I'm going to head to bed here in a few minutes but I just wanted to try to get some of this stuff out of my head before I do. I think I'm feeling anxiety today because of the call from Brad, writing about Body Clutter issues and the house being out of order. My perfectionism is rearing it's ugly head. I'm not being the perfect auntie, the perfect person or the perfect Flybaby. Not that I really want to be perfect, but I think that somewhere in here there is a struggle going on. I don't want to judge myself by how clean the house is or how well I eat, but sometimes I do. And I certainly don't want to put myself down for setting boundaries with Brad, but I am. Writing about those old feelings - self-doubt, anger, being out of control - has brought them back up for me. I feel like a failure tonight. I don't believe that I am a failure, I just feel like it. I can tell that it's an old feeling though because of how terrible it feels. It is distorted. It feels hopeless.

But this time I'm stronger and I know who I am and I know that I have real value as a human being. So I'm not going to give in to the old feelings, the past memories. I'm going to stand up for myself and say that I deserve to feel better than this. I am a success. It's okay to leave some dishes on the counter. It's okay to get side tracked. I won't always feel this way and I'll be able to do the things that I want to do without obstacles. Tomorrow is another day and I will start it out on the right foot, literally. I will go for my walk. I will make my smoothie and I will be kind to myself.

I think I'm feeling guilty because I had a bowl of cereal tonight to deal with these feelings. I didn't pig out. I chose the healthiest cereal I had (Cheerios). I tried to make good choices even while I was making a not so good choice. (I hope that makes sense.) Before I would have eaten everything in sight to deal with these feelings. But tonight I took a different path. I blogged about my feelings instead of trying to eat my way out of them. Eating does medicate me for a few minutes, but then I just feel worse for doing it. I'm not going to allow myself to do that anymore. I made a little blunder by having some cereal with sugar. That's okay. I stopped there. I didn't spin out of control. I am proud of myself.

Writing about Body Clutter issues is bound to bring this stuff up. That's the point. I have to deal with stuff or I'll have a real hard time losing weight. And I'll also have a difficult time dealing with the emotional side of this. I can do this. I know that Marla and Leanne would be encouraging me and telling me to just do my best, to jump in where I am, to remember that I'm not behind. I will keep those thoughts in mind as I fall off to sleep tonight.

SHEness

Boy, did I get sidetracked today. By cooking, by blogging, and by sitting in my chair. The kitchen is the room that always shows my SHEness first. Dishes on the counter, a bag of trash by the cupboard, and the kitchen hasn't been cleaned. It's not really that bad, and it wouldn't take long to clean it up, but I just feel somewhat overwhelmed. I think it's because I got into that body clutter stuff.

Body Clutter

My Morning.

I used to have a very difficult time figuring out what to do in the morning and usually by the time I would get things done I would have forgotten about breakfast and would do the easy thing - cereal. Usually a sugary bowl of something - Frosted Flakes, Cheerios with sugar, Corn Pops or Captain Crunch. About the only good thing was the Cheerios, but I made it a loss less healthy by dumping a ton of sugar on it. But at least I ate something. For quite a while I would literally go all day without eating and finally eat at dinner time. Breakfast was not a priority for me then. But things have changed since I read the book 'Body Clutter' and got back involved with its authors, Marla 'FlyLady' Cilley and Leanne 'Dinner Diva' Ely.

The Body Clutter book had me look at the emotions involved with eating. I had to figure out what my comfort foods were and why they were my comfort foods. As I thought about it a lot of it went back to my Grandmother. I was her 'little angel' and anything associated with her meant a lot to me since she passed away when I was only four. And what I remember most is my Grandmother making mashed potatoes for me with milk on them. It always made me feel cared about when my Grandmother took care of me and mashed potatoes was a part of it. When she died I think the only time I felt love again was when I was eating potatoes, especially mashed potatoes.

Isn't it weird what we associate our food with. If my Grandmother had given me candy I probably would have found that to be my comfort food.

Growing up my mom once told me that as a family 'we love food'. What an odd thing for someone to say. But, it was true. My family did love food. I struggled with weight issues all my young and teen years. It wasn't until I moved away from home that I actually got down to a healthy weight, but I brought along a lot of 'food baggage' with me. I was always worried about being 'fat' because my mom and my siblings made fun of me and called me names. So when I was out on my own it wasn't a surprise that a developed a food disorder. I am 5'10" tall and I couldn't get thin enough. At one point, after a long period of dieting on eggs, steak and oj, I got down to under 120 pounds. That was underweight for me, but at the time I still felt like I was too 'fat'. When I look back at some of the pictures from that time period, I can't believe what I looked like. You could see my bones sticking out all over my body. Now it looks so unhealthy, back then I just saw the fat that was still there.

At 22 when I married my first husband, I didn't realize that I was getting into an abusive relationship. And he was very controlling. I guess looking back at things, I really did know I was getting into that, but I just didn't want to see it. I was in love. And he fed my food disorder. He always told me I was too heavy and that I needed to lose weight. At one point he actually asked to smell my breath so he could tell if I had eaten any food. What a horrible way to live. I was always sneaking food when he wasn't around because he never wanted me eating. Then I rebelled against him and started gaining weight. And gaining more weight. I knew it bothered him that I was getting 'fat'. I didn't think then of the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally, just that it was ticking him off. I felt so fat but I still was only 140 - 150 pounds! I spent seven long, challenging years in that relationship. When I got out, I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I believed what he told me: I couldn't make it on my own, I was worthless and I was fat.

Needless to say when I met David I wasn't in the best frame of mind. I was just grateful that someone was interested in a worthless, divorced, fat girl like me. (I still can't believe I felt that way about myself). What I need to say though, is that all of this was under the surface. I hadn't faced any of these issues then. I know now what I was feeling but then it was just a part of my every day life. Very well hidden though. I stayed in fairly good shape for a while. I had to stay in shape when we were dating so I could 'keep' him interested. My first husband had taught me that no one would be interested in me if I were 'overweight' so I made sure that I didn't 'balloon' up right away (meaning: gain 5 pounds). But not too long into the relationship I started acting/feeling like I did with my first husband (controlled) and the weight came back on. But it wasn't David that was controlling me. It was the old memories. I was dragging my past into my present.

I got into this relationship even though I didn't really think it would last. How could it last if I wasn't thin anymore? My eating disorder came back in full force, but this time it was over eating I was doing. The weight came on slowly but surely. But David was different. He loved me no matter how much weight I gained or lost. That was hard to believe for me. I honestly didn't know whether I should try to be thin or try to gain weight (so he could 'prove' he loved me). Talk about emotional body clutter. I was sinking in it.

I struggled with being overweight for years, but it wasn't until this last year that I really put on a lot of body clutter. A lot. Life got very stressful and I dealt with the stress by eating. My top weight was about 280 pounds! Yep, 280. Something had to change. So I went back to what I knew had helped me before - FlyLady.

First I got my life decluttered and then I started working on body clutter. Now my mornings are a great start to great days. I go for a walk every morning. I have a protein, fruit smoothie for breakfast. I keep track of what's going on with me with the Body Clutter Investigator and through this blog. And I am slowly, steadily losing body clutter (weight). And I'm feeling good about myself. Not because I'm losing weight but because I am feeling healthier and I'm taking care of myself. I am FLYing (Finally Loving Myself).

A show for me?

Dinner tasted really good tonight. It was a Ginger Stir Fry Chicken with brown rice. Very moist and delicious. The soup is on the warmer. It smells delicious too. I'll have that for snacks and easy meals for the next few days/week. I can't wait to tell Leanne on Thursday that I've been making the the meals from the BCMM and that I made a Basic Veggie Soup. I'm craving a dessert tonight. I'll have to check the list on the BCMM and see what the suggestions are for snacks. I do have some dried cranberries and almonds. That might be good. And sweet (to take care of the sweet tooth).

I still have some things to do today (empty the dryer, clean the kitchen) but I probably won't get to them until later.

The new season of TV has started this week. I really don't watch much TV but the new season is always interesting. I still have my favorite shows though: "Neat" on Wednesdays and "Ghost Whisperer" on Fridays. I'm not sure what's on tonight but I know David will be watching, so I guess I will too.

I checked out some of the new videos on Nick D's youtube page. He does such great work. He already has sponsors for his show. I'd like to think about doing a video show or something like Blog Talk Radio. I'd have to think about what my focus would be and who my audience would be. Fun to think about though. I may have to really consider doing this. Since I like being on the radio every week, it might be something for me to do. Hmmmmm.

News

I decided to get up and do something instead of just sitting and worrying about the Brad situation. I put my veggie soup together and it's on the stove cooking. I wish I had a crock pot because it would be nice to just leave it in there and not have to worry about it. Anyway, at least I got it made. I looked over the recipe for dinner tonight. It's just a chicken stir fry. I can handle that. I'll make some brown rice with it. The house smells good now that the soup is cooking. Yum-yum!

David should be home soon. I'm sure that he will be glad to come in the door and smell something cooking.

The President of Iran is in the country speaking at the UN today. He spoke at Columbia University yesterday. It's kind of interesting because we really wouldn't be allowed to go into Iran and speak freely and he puts our country down, but he can come here and speak freely and it doesn't seem to clue him in to what real freedom is. He's kind of a scary man because he believes that the Haulocast never happened. I'm not sure what his thought is on that but anyone, who knows anything about history, that doesn't believe the Haulocast happened it kind of out in left field. He wanted to go to Ground Zero in New York City but he wasn't allowed to. I'm glad they didn't let him go there. It's a sacred place. Wonder why he really wanted to go there? I'm sure he doesn't really care to pay his respects, so I wonder why going there would be on his agenda. I'm sure it would make for interesting news back in Iran.

I've sort of been keeping up with the Presidential race. There are so many candidates right now that it's hard to stay on top of it. Lynn and I were discussing whether a woman could be President at this time. I'm not sure how I feel about a woman being the leade of our country. It's always a bit scary electing a new President. The transition in our country and government can sometimes be rough. I'm going to try to keep up on the race from this point on.

Well, David is home so I need to go for now.

Brad

I just got a strange call from Brad. He said that he contacted his PO and she said he needs to come in on Thursday and take care of his warrant. He said he was going to talk to her then about moving (where, I'm thinking!). Then he said that he wanted to call back when he could call collect and talk to us about Amanda (his 'girlfriend). I certainly hope he doesn't think that he's coming out here and bringing her with him. There is no way in the world that it will happen. He would just be bringing his horrid lifestyle out here to invade our home. It is not going to happen! I don't even want him to come out because he hasn't made any changes. He's still runnin away. I don't think he'd be able to get a job out here very easily and there's no way we can afford to have another person to take care of.

~sigh~ This is the hardest thing for me. I want to help him but I don't want to sacrifice my life again to do it. It's time for David and I to have time for ourselves, time for us to live our own lives without all the obstacles. I think Brad has it in his mind that he's coming out here and he's going to be very disappointed when it doesn't happen. Right now I don't care if he gets mad at me. I just can't put myself in that kind of position again. We've tried this so many times and it just never works. He's just end up on the streets out here and then I'd be tied to him when he got in trouble. David certainly won't allow that.

~sigh~ I'm going to have to let David handle this with Brad. I sure hope he's not calling to say that Amanda is pregnant! I sure as heck won't get in the middle of that. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I just need to wait for him to call and hope he calls when David is here. Actually it would be better if I talked to him. Not better for him, but better for me. I'm just running away from this. I don't want to have to say 'no' to him. How do you make someone understand that you still love them, that you support them, but they can't live with you? It's so hard for me to say 'no' to Brad. He always has a way of talking me into things. I can't allow that this time. I have to be clear on my boundaries. We could try it again, but it won't work, it never has. What I'm afraid of is that if I say 'no' and then something happens I'll feel guilty about it. As it is I feel guilty about all this happening because I didn't go and stay with him while Grace was on vacation. If I had been there he's still be living at home and things would still be working out well for him. Or maybe they wouldn't. Who knows?

I can't let this CHAOS back into my life. I'm at a good point again and I can't let craziness take over. This is how it always happens. Things are going well and then somebody wants to move in with us and turn our lives upside down. Not that they do it on purpose, not that there is any intent, but it just happens that way. I'm already stressed out just thinking about it. I can't imagine the stress of living in the middle of it.

I need to stand up for myself. I need to do what is best for me, not what's best for someone else. I want to help Brad but I can't let him live with us again.

Errands

I made my smoothie for breakfast. It was delicious as usual. I've got the laundry rebooted and will get that out of the dryer here in a few minutes. I had to go out to run some errands (exchange weed killer at Lowe's, buy some bananas at Target). David wanted me to look at some new home phones so I went to Circuit City and did that. The phones were really nice, only problem is that they didn't have a hookup for a head set. I use my head set all the time and would miss not being able to use it. And we really can't afford to spend $50+ on a new set of phones when ours are still working. They don't work the best but they do work. I'd have to save up to buy some new phones. They'd have to have a head set connector though. I guess I need to get David to understand that we just can't go out and buy stuff anymore. We have to plan for it and budget. That's a foreign concept to both of us, I know, but it's the reality of the situation. I know he'll be upset but there's not much I can do about it. Guess I could check on craigslist and see if anyone is selling a good set of phones on there. I think the reason David gets upset is that he works all week to get a paycheck and then doesn't have any money to spend. Unfortunately, that's the situation we're in right now. Oh well.

Dyrk and Amanda's divorce is final today. Don't think it makes too much difference in the scheme of things. They've been separated for quite some time now. Too bad things worked out the way that they did.

Lovely walk

I just got back from my walk and I'm taking my planned rest before I jump in the shower. Today I listened to that Stephen King book on tape: "Two Past Midnight, Secret Window, Secret Garden". James Woods reads the book. I got through one chapter today. It was very good timing. The story, as are all Stephen King books, is very interesting. It grabbed me right from the beginning. The tape quality isn't great but I can hear it okay. It seemed that I was walking faster and feeling less pain today. Don't know if that's because I was so enthralled with the book or that the cool, fall weather pushed me along. Either way, it was a nice walk.

I used to ride my bike while John ran 13 mile loops. I don't know that I could do 13 miles right now. I'm proud of myself for doing a mile of walking though. The rides were always enjoyable. The scenery was beautiful. These rides took place back in Mass. Years ago. But I still have fond memories of them. I sure was a lot healthier back in those days. That's what I want now, to be healthy again. It feels good to be losing weight. Although today, after my big carb day yesterday, I was up a a bit with my #. But I'm not surprised or bummed out. I didn't get to drink much water because I slept so much and all I ate was my smoothie and a bunch of carbs (bagels and cereal). So as Leanne says, today is my 'make up day'. That means I need to get my soup cooked today.

I didn't use my body clutter investigator yesterday because I procrastinated about prinited out another weeks worth. Maybe I can put it on my computer like I did the daily routines. By the way, I realized after just one day, that I do need a check off area on my daily routines. I can't keep track of what I've done or where I am in my day without one. So I added just one column to help me throughtout the day. I think I could set up the BCI the same way. The only difference is that I would add another sheet to the document each day (or something like that). I wouldn't have to have separate documents, just multiple sheets in one document.

Well, the timer is going off which means it's time for me to go take my shower. I'm going to try not to procrastinate today. So off I go.

Monday, September 24, 2007

It is beautiful to do nothing...

Doing that test today really tired me out and dehydrated me. I took a nap this afternoon and sat around a lot. When David got home I went in to take another nap. He didn't get home until 4pm today because he has the duty pager. I didn't get up until after 7pm! Can you imagine? So I didn't get a chance to make dinner tonight. We had cereal (again!). I realized that what Leanne said is true: having the soup available for times like this is necessary. If I had made the soup ahead of time, I would have had something healthy and easy for dinner tonight. Learning experience. I'll get some soup make tomorrow. I don't have any plans for tomorrow, so I'll have time to make it. The soup for this weeks menu is a Garlicy Vegatable Soup. I can see now how this all goes together. Leanne knows that we're not going to make dinner every night (we are SHE's aren't we) so she had something healthy in the back up plan. It's nice that she thinks ahead for us when we can't think ahead for ourselves. She does know what she's doing. LOL



So now that I know the importance of the soup I'll make sure it gets done every week.

Not much activity on the forum or group this evening. Pretty slow night. That's okay, I'm still feeling pretty tired and not thinking 100%. I do need to get some things done around here tomorrow if I can. I have some laundry in the dryer but I'm going to leave it until tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting my walk in tomorrow because I have that Stephen King book on tape. It's a total of 6 hours, so it will take me a bit of walking to get through it. I think it will take about 20 walks to finish it!

I feel bad tonight about not getting a healthy dinner. Especially since David works so hard all day and looks forward to a nice dinner at night. I've really got to get that soup thing going. I also might put a few meals in the freezer so on nights like tonight, when I'm not up to cooking, I can still have something of substance (meaning: not cereal). Lenne has a menu called FFF - Five For the Freezer. I might take a look at that and get 5 meals in the freezer for times like this. I've done the monthly cooking before so doing 5 meals shouldn't be too taxing. I think one of the reasons I have put off making the planned dinner is because I'm substituting chicken for shrimp and since I'm doing that then I'm not making if 'perfectly'. At least I realize what's going on and can do something about it now. I need to just go over the recipe so I'm not so afraid of cooking it (Ginger Chicken something or other).

I just checked out the FFFMM. I don't know that I would need to order it because I have plenty of recipes for the freezer already (from my once a month cooking days). I could try it on my own and if it doesn't work then I could go to the MM. The nice thing about the MM is that it has the recipes and the shopping list included. But just doing 5 freezer meals shouldn't be that difficult. I'd only have to do that once a month or so. And I could also make different things instead of just 5 chicken or 5 beef meals.

It's 9:15. Think I'll get ready for bed. I'm really proud of myself for getting out there and walking this morning, especially since I had an appointment scheduled. Go Me!!

Pondering the morning musing

I had a good morning today. I did my morning routine even though I had an appointment at 10:45 a.m. Usually, if I have an appointment, I put off my routine until after I get home. But today I did my walk, showered, had my smoothie and got the laundry going all before I left the house at 10am for my test. I even had time to stop by the library and drop off books and pick up a Stephen King book on tape for my morning walks. The test only lasted 45 minutes. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever done, but it wasn't too bad. On the way home I stopped at KS and picked up some TP and three bagels. I got a blueberry one for David for his afternoon snack. I think he will enjoy that. I've rebooted the laundry and emptied/reloaded the dishwasher since I got home from the doctors. Now I'm taking some time out to relax. I need to drink a lot of water today (because of the test) so I'm going to have to be vigilent about that.

I got an email from Patricia earlier today. She wanted to know how the lunch went and said she'd like to get together some time for tea or coffee. I'm not sure where she lives, but I'm sure there is a Pikes Perk somewhere between the two of us. That would be a nice place to hang out for a bit. She never knows what her schedule will be like so I told her to just email me one morning and I'd let her know if that day would work. I look forward to getting together with her.

Well, I did it. Even though I told myself I wouldn't. I looked up air fares for the NC FlyFest. ~sigh~ I found a reasonable air fare but there's no way I can afford to go on a trip at this point. I can start saving for next year though.

It's so weird to not be able to just go on a trip when I want to. It's so limiting. But that is the reality I am living in now so I might as well just get comfortable with it. I think often about the past two years and the kids coming out here and the mountain home. What a disaster that all turned out to be. There certainly were some good moments, but overall, it was not a pleasant experience. Oh well, you live and you learn.

I am going to take it easy the rest of the day. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable after getting that test done. And I'm still feeling very tired. I got up twice last night. And one of the times I was up for quite a while.

I had my bagel for a morning snack. It wasn't the best snack I could have chosen, but I really was craving bread and instead of getting a whole demi load, I got a bagel instead. If I had the whole loaf, I would eat the whole loaf. That wouldn't be good. Way too many carbs. And just not a good idea to give in to the urge to over eat.

There have been quite a few emails from FlyLady lately for those of us that are handi-capable. I think I'm realizing that I was getting frustrated because it was taking me so long to get things done. What I wasn't looking at though were the little victories I was having all day. I was concentrating on what wasn't getting done. So I decided this morning to stop using my Excel spreadsheet of my daily routines as a check off list. I would feel good if it all got checked off and would feel bad if it didn't. That's not a way to gauge the day. So now it's just a guideline for things I can do each day, but it's not a noose around my neck of things that have to be done. The checkmark areas have been deleted. It's a major accomplishment for me to just get up and get out there for my walk every day. I wasn't walking at all just weeks ago and now I'm walking a mile a day! Go Me! And any day I can make a smoothie for breakfast is a great day (they are so yummy!). If I can do the little things (laundry, dishes, etc.) then I'm accomplishing a lot. I really need to focus on what I'm getting done, not what is still waiting to be done. There will always be things that need to be done. I don't want to get stuck in the trap of having to 'do it all' in order for it to be a successful day.

Marla sent out a morning musing today about values, self-worth and firm foundations. In it she asked where we get our value from: work, family, money, etc. That's a real good question for me. When Brad was here I got my value from being his auntie. When he left I felt devastated and like there just wasn't any purpose in life for me any more. Then I lost my job. That devastated me even further. Who was I if I wasn't a consultant doing important things? I feel like it really was a test for me. Was I going to put my value in being an auntie or being a worker? If Idid, then when those things go away, who am I? I've had to spend many years figuring that out. Then the kids and grandkids moved out here with us and now I was 'someone' again. I was a mom and a grandmom and a wife. And Brad came out again so I was an auntie again too. I certainly got all my value from who I was taking care of. I had value because I was an auntie, a mom, a grandmom and a wife. Now all the kids and grandkids have moved away. So who am I? I'm a wife, but I don't want to put all my value in that either because things can happen. We have two wonderful ladies in Bible Study who have lost their husbands recently. They are struggling to figure out who they are without their spouse. I know I would struggle with that too, but I'd like to know that I'd still be a whole person, useful and valued just because of who I am, not because of who I am married to. But here's the thing, where do I get my value as a human being. I believe that my value should be in knowing that I was created by God and that I don't have to do a darn thing to be a child of God. I just am. But we do draw our value from what me do or 'who' we are to others. It's hard not to. If I wasn't with David would I still feel valuable? I wouldn't be a wife anymore. Where would my value come from? It's got to come from within. I have to know that I am valuable just because I am. And that's not easy to do. We live in a very competitive, materialistic world and you've got to be better or have more stuff to be 'somebody'. Well, I've had a lot of things leave my life lately (kids, grandkids, mountain home, financial security) and if I'm going to value myself only on those things, then I'm in big trouble. Somehow, and I don't know quite how, I do feel valuable just being. I enjoy being a Flybaby, but I don't get my value from being a Flybaby. I have to know that I can move forward no matter what I do or don't do, or who I do or don't take care of. So, why am I important on this planet? Because I love and I am loved. As long as there is love in my life (even love of myself) then I have value.

That was a good musing to ponder. Marla gives me a lot to think about.

But, it's been a good morning and I'm glad to be a part of this beautiful fall day.

On my mind

I've been getting to bed at a decent hour, but I'm getting up every night to go to the bathroom. I'm seeing my doctor later today for some tests. Hopefully they'll figure out what's going on and be able to fix it. It's frustrating knowing that I will go to bed at a decent hour only to be up just a few hours later. Usually I go right back to bed but tonight I was feeling anxious and decided to get up and post and blog. I sure hope they can figure out what's going on and fix the problem. Not sleeping through the night for months on end is draining.

This week I'm going to continue to focus on my body clutter adventure. I realize that once I start feeling successful, I'm apt to try to sabotage my progress. I'm not sure why that is, but I do know that it's true. I want to continue walking every day, drinking my smoothie for breakfast and filling out the body clutter investigator (an extremely helpful tool!). Why do I try to trip myself up? Do I fear success? I think I'm afraid that other people will notice my success and 'expect' something of me (like continuing the progress, perhaps). I have a real difficult time with being 'responsible' to myself or anyone else. I like flying by the seat of my pants too much. I don't want anything to become an obligation. I need to turn that around and realize that I'm blessing my own body and my own world and it benefits me to do these things. Maybe I feel undeserving. There's a lot of emotional body clutter that surrounds this issue (physical body clutter). I guess I should start working on the emotional body clutter and then I'd see that the physical body clutter would decrease as a result of looking things squarely in the eye. I think I might read "Body Clutter" again and do some online journaling. I sure would like to know if anyone else is having these kinds of issues.

I sent out an email to the Colorado Springs group inviting other Flybabies to get together with me. I sure had a great time with MJ and would really like to meet other Flybabies. As Leanne puts it, it would be nice to meet someone who's in the same 'stratosphere' as me. She and Marla always seem to be FLYing in a similar orbit. LOL

I think maybe I will talk about the emotional body clutter that surrounds the physical body clutter on the FlyShow this week when I call in. I'm sure Marla and Leanne can give me some idea as to why I want to sabotage my own success or why I'm feeling like I don't deserve to keep making progress. Should be an interesting talk.

I'm still struggling with keeping track of the finances. The calendar doesn't really work (takes up too much space). I've got everything online, but the future payments don't show up until they are paid and that throws me off. I think I need to keep a log (hate calling it a checkbook). I could work on that tomorrow. There's not much that's outstanding, so I should be able to write it down. It's just that I'm not very good at keeping up a log going. I've got to figure out some way to utilize the online system and Money to help me keep track daily of what the account balance is. I liked it so much better when I had so much money that I didn't have to keep track. LOL Those days are long gone though. I have to watch everything now. It may take me a while, but I'll get it figured out.

I haven't been doing much photography lately. It's been a while since I added to my Flickr page (http://www.flickr.com/photos/internettie). The weather is changing, fall is here, so I need to get out there and take some shots of how things are morphing. I love doing my photography, but I've been in a bit of a lull lately.

I'm enjoying being a part of the Flybaby Forum (http://flybaby.forumotion.com/index.htm). It's nice to be in touch with other Flybabies and have a place to stay accountable and share successes and struggles. It's been a bit quiet on the Forum lately because everyone has been so busy with work and studies. I don't have a life, so I post often. LOL

Being part of the Colorado and Colorado Springs Yahoo! groups is also a blessing. Again, they are not very active right now, but mostly it's a place for me to hold myself accountable and share my good times and bad times. I know there are a lot of Flybabies in this area. When Marla was here 2 years ago to attend the Women's Expo, hundreds of Flybabies showed up. It was SRO. So, are those folks like me and didn't know of the existence of the Forum and the local Yahoo! groups? Maybe I'll email Marla and ask her to remind everyone that they may have a State or local Yahoo! group that they can become a part of. I'll also let her know about the forum. There are places for people to turn to. There's no need to feel alone while Flying.

I've been enjoying doing this blog. I know it's not earth shattering stuff on here, but I think that most days aren't earth shattering. They are normal and sometimes mundane. I think most of us can relate to that. Hopefully someone is reading this blog and it's helping them to feel less isolated. I know it helps me to know that there are other Flybabies out there having the successes and struggles that I do. That's why the radio show is so neat. You can actually hear the other Flybabies. Anyway, I'll keep blogging even though I don't have much profound stuff to say. LOL

Jumpcut hasn't been updated in ages. I love putting movies together with jumpcut. But it's a tad frustrating that the FlyLady group is lagging behind. I'd love to see more videos on there. I'm sue it just was too much for Marla to keep up with. It's a great idea, but she has so many great ideas and limited time like the rest of us. There are only so many projects you can work on in any given day. I put a little video on there recently about my "15 Minute Kitchen Makeover". I love to see the before and after photos. Here's a link to my latest video: http://www.jumpcut.com/view/?id=F7AAAC5064DC11DCA9A3000423CEF5F6 . Hope you enjoy it. It's nice to see the kitchen go from a mess to decluttered in 15 minutes or so.

MJ and I talked about our dogs at our lunch yesterday. Thinking about Skooter and Moped made me sad. I really do miss them. I'm glad to have Huxley and Blitz (even though Blitz is a major whiner!). Keeping up the dog blog (http://skootersdogblog.blogspot.com) is a labor of love for me. I just wish that my lazy dogs did more. LOL They spend a lot of time napping. Spoiled, lazy girls. lol

It was fun going back to World Talk Radio and hearing the initial Body Clutter call that I made. It's been almost two months now since the Body Clutter adventure began. Listening to the archives on there made me really miss Jeff though. I'm really hoping that he will come over to Blog Talk Radio to help with the FlyShow. We need musical interludes and commercials so we can have time to do the missions. BTR is easier to navigate, but it still has some bugs to work out. WTR is one big bug! LOL

I've subscribed to Mary Hunt's "Everyday Cheapskate" online newsletter. It's informative, funny and interesting. I've learned quite a bit by reading those newsletters. Today's edition has a Garlic Chicken recipe. I can't wait to read it.

Well, it's 2am and I should try to get back to bed. My doctor's appointment is at 10:45am so I need to up and going by 8am (so I can get my walk and shower in). Lisa mentioned something about maybe getting together tomorrow. Although I'm sure she is quite tired and that may not happen. But I'll be ready just in case it does. (Can you say scone deficiency!) Whatever, I can wait until she's feeling up to getting together.

The dogs have been in bed this whole time. Lazy girls! :-) They get way more sleep than I do. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair. Guess I'll go join them.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Next years FlyFest

I was thinking that it would be great if anyone from the Forum who could swing it could try to attend next years FlyFest. It reminds me of my trip to England to meet people that I was on another forum with. What a great adventure. I think FlyFest would be a lot like that experience. Meeting people that you sort of already know is fun. And it's such a fun group of people. What a blast it would be.

I'm going to probably send an invite for the next get together to the whole Colorado group. There could be people that are only on the Colorado group and don't get the Colorado Springs emails. There may be some people from near here who would be interested in coming. MJ is from Limon and she came all the way to the Springs for lunch today.

I'm tired. Think I'll take a nap.

A good time was had by all

I'm home from the get together. Only MJ and her DH Gene showed up. Not sure what happened to everyone else. The four of us had a great time though. It was nice to talk with someone who knew what I was talking about. lol MJ is very nice and her DH has a great sense of humor. David enjoyed himself. We were there for about an hour and a half. I'm going to try to meet with other Flybabies when we can get something set up. It really made me want to go to the FlyFest. ~sigh~ I'd love to be surrounded by other Flybabies. Maybe next year.

I'll try to set up another get together with more notice so people can plan better.

I had a half turkey sandwich and some fruit and a lemonade to drink. I made good choices and didn't get any dessert. I'm still craving something though. I might have some almonds. We stopped at Wild Oats after lunch so I could get some vanilla smoothie mix. I missed having my smoothie this morning. I'm looking forward to having one tomorrow.

Off we go...

We're off to the get together! I'll let you know how it goes.

Three hours to go

I finally got my shower done. Go Me!

David is home from his time with Mike. He said he had a good time. I asked him if he would go this afternoon and after some eye rolling he said he would. If no other men show up, he can go home. Three hours until the get together. I wasn't thinking that we'd all have to stand up at the register and order separately then wait for our name to be called to pick up our meal. I hope that people don't mind doing that. Once we get seated it will be fine. I sure hope that Patricia and Terry are able to be there. It would be fun to meet them. If not, I've already asked them if they'd like to get together at another time and they said they would.

I'm going to go have some breakfast. It's 11am and I haven't taken care of that yet.

Sign is up

I went over to the clubhouse and put a sign on the door that says that the 1pm party is cancelled and that the clubhouse is closed. I hope they don't unlock the clubhouse. I highlighted the sign so hopefully they will see it. Still haven't taken a shower. I'm giving myself until 10am to do it. If I haven't done it by 10 am, I will make myself do it. At least I haven't napped though.

Still procrastinating

I haven't jumped in the shower yet. I've been back from my walk for almost an hour now and I'm still sitting in my chair fooling around on the laptop. I realized this morning that I don't have any yogurt smoothie stuff so I can't have a smoothie this morning. That bums me out. My # went up a bit today. It's not surprising since I didn't drink enough water yesterday and my diet wasn't all that healthy (pb&j for lunch, Skinny Cow for snack). If I'm going to be serious about losing weight I'm going to have to really watch what I'm doing each day. I will be eating out today for lunch, so I should go easy on the morning meal and snack. I'll choose something healthy for lunch and I won't get a dessert.

Okay, all I'm doing right now is procrastinating about taking a shower. I need to just get in there and do it!

Get Together Day

The day is starting off nicely. It's going to be nice out this morning and then maybe rain this afternoon. I got up and started on my moring routine, including going for my mile walk. I'm taking a rest now. I drank a whole bottle of water. Go Me! Sharon stopped me while I was walking and told me that Fred is in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. I'll be praying for the two of them. David is getting ready to go meet Mike and have a guy get together. I'm hoping that they will talk about some of the issues we are going through to give David an outlet for his frustrations.

I'm looking forward to the get together today. I had sent an email to Terry to remind everyone about getting together, but it looks like she didn't have time to get it out. I sure hope people remember and show up!

David just left for his breakfast with Mike.

I've got to jump in the shower. I'm procrastinating about doing that today. I'm just so tired. A shower will make me feel better though. I need to remember that.

I didn't get the reservation form for the clubhouse over to the rent drop box. I need to get it over there this morning and let them know that the get together at the clubhouse has been cancelled. It was pretty thoughtless of me not to return it before today. I'm sure someone has to come over and open the place up. They'll probably be ticked off with me. Why do I procrastinate so on simple things? I could have taken care of this days ago. I'll have to put a note on the door that the 1pm get together has been cancelled. I don't want the clubhouse to be left open. If anything happens, I'll be responsible.

Well, I better get in the shower and stop putting that off. Then I can go over to the clubhouse and put a note on the door.

It's weird having David out and me home on a Sunday. I feel like I should be going somewhere, but the only place I have to go right now is the shower. I need to ask David if he will attend the get together so MJ's DH won't be the only guy there. If Gene doesn't come, then David can go home.

I'd rather take a nap right now instead of shower. I'll have to fight that urge. But I think I'm already giving in to it. ~sigh~