Brad

I just got a strange call from Brad. He said that he contacted his PO and she said he needs to come in on Thursday and take care of his warrant. He said he was going to talk to her then about moving (where, I'm thinking!). Then he said that he wanted to call back when he could call collect and talk to us about Amanda (his 'girlfriend). I certainly hope he doesn't think that he's coming out here and bringing her with him. There is no way in the world that it will happen. He would just be bringing his horrid lifestyle out here to invade our home. It is not going to happen! I don't even want him to come out because he hasn't made any changes. He's still runnin away. I don't think he'd be able to get a job out here very easily and there's no way we can afford to have another person to take care of.

~sigh~ This is the hardest thing for me. I want to help him but I don't want to sacrifice my life again to do it. It's time for David and I to have time for ourselves, time for us to live our own lives without all the obstacles. I think Brad has it in his mind that he's coming out here and he's going to be very disappointed when it doesn't happen. Right now I don't care if he gets mad at me. I just can't put myself in that kind of position again. We've tried this so many times and it just never works. He's just end up on the streets out here and then I'd be tied to him when he got in trouble. David certainly won't allow that.

~sigh~ I'm going to have to let David handle this with Brad. I sure hope he's not calling to say that Amanda is pregnant! I sure as heck won't get in the middle of that. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I just need to wait for him to call and hope he calls when David is here. Actually it would be better if I talked to him. Not better for him, but better for me. I'm just running away from this. I don't want to have to say 'no' to him. How do you make someone understand that you still love them, that you support them, but they can't live with you? It's so hard for me to say 'no' to Brad. He always has a way of talking me into things. I can't allow that this time. I have to be clear on my boundaries. We could try it again, but it won't work, it never has. What I'm afraid of is that if I say 'no' and then something happens I'll feel guilty about it. As it is I feel guilty about all this happening because I didn't go and stay with him while Grace was on vacation. If I had been there he's still be living at home and things would still be working out well for him. Or maybe they wouldn't. Who knows?

I can't let this CHAOS back into my life. I'm at a good point again and I can't let craziness take over. This is how it always happens. Things are going well and then somebody wants to move in with us and turn our lives upside down. Not that they do it on purpose, not that there is any intent, but it just happens that way. I'm already stressed out just thinking about it. I can't imagine the stress of living in the middle of it.

I need to stand up for myself. I need to do what is best for me, not what's best for someone else. I want to help Brad but I can't let him live with us again.