Body Clutter: The Saga Continues

I remember, in my early years, using food to comfort myself when I felt lonely or abondoned. My dad would often leave us for extended periods of time with no explanation. And I would turn to food. I found out when I was 11 or 12 where he had been going. My dad had a secret family at the same time that he was married to my mom. Another woman, more kids, the whole thing. I was devastated. What made it worse was when my mom said that my dad left us because of us kids. At the time I just took what she said at face value. I believed her. It was my fault that my dad had left us. It wasn't until much later in life that I realized that if my dad had a problem with kids he wouldn't have left us for more kids. My mom just couldn't face that he hadn't been faithful to her. I can't imagine how devastated she felt. I ate to get through that difficult time.

When I was an adult I did the same thing. When things would get tough I would either eat too much or not eat at all. Food soothed me, comforted me. Or I could punish myself by not eating. It was a horrible roller-coaster. And it's one that I just got off of recently. I am used to losing weight quickly (usually some kind of fad diet) and gaining it back just as quickly. The last 3 or 4 years have been the hardest for me. That's why I decided that it was time to make some changes.

I'm doing things slowly, taking babysteps. If my nutrition, my movement or anything else becomes too big a part of my day then I need to stop. There has to be balance. I need to be content being who I am now while working at getting healthier (not thinner! healthier).

Food: I signed up for Leanne Ely's Body Clutter Menu Mailer (savingdinner.com). I would get overwhelmed with food: shopping for food, storing food, preparing food and eating food. If I looked in the fridge and it was full, I would panic. Too much to deal with. So using the BCMM has been a God send for me. I don't have to think about what meals to cook (it's planned for me), what groceries to buy (the list is prepared for me) or having too much on hand. I know that what I have belongs to a meal. It's not 'extra' food that needs to be gotten out of the way. I'm using Leanne's recipe for a protein fruit smoothie for my breakfast. The less choices I have to make the better. So it's nice to know that breakfast is a smoothie. I can always have something else if I want it, but I'm fine having the smoothie most mornings.

Movement: Up until a few weeks ago I was sedentary. The only time I got any exercise was when I did things around the house (laundry, cleaning, dishes) or went grocery shopping (back when it was a nightmare, pre-BCMM). But I was encouraged by Leanne to just get out there and walk for 5 minutes and then walk 5 minutes back. In my mind it had to be an hour walk to be of any consequence. After talking to Leanne I was able to cut myself some slack. It was okay to take babysteps. I didn't have to do it 'perfectly' right off the bat. So I went out and walked for a few minutes (which in my sedentary state seemed like a lot) and then turned around and went home. I did that for a few days then decided that I could make it a mile around the neighborhood. What I didn't think about was that once I was half way around it didn't matter which way I went, I still had halfway to go. So I gutted it out. I made it through that first mile. I was so proud of my effort. So I kept it up. I'm still walking a mile almost every day. I feel great knowing that I am moving. I'm not sedentary anymore.

Emotional Body Clutter: There is a lot of emotional body clutter that goes along with this journey. I'm grateful that Leanne and Marla talk to me when I call in to the FlyShow, that they are encouraging and supportive, that Flybabies respond to me on the Flybaby forum and that I have this blog to turn to. I think that if I didn't have these outlets for the emotional and mental issues that I would be eating myself to death.

That's enough for now.