Feeling anxious

I'm going to head to bed here in a few minutes but I just wanted to try to get some of this stuff out of my head before I do. I think I'm feeling anxiety today because of the call from Brad, writing about Body Clutter issues and the house being out of order. My perfectionism is rearing it's ugly head. I'm not being the perfect auntie, the perfect person or the perfect Flybaby. Not that I really want to be perfect, but I think that somewhere in here there is a struggle going on. I don't want to judge myself by how clean the house is or how well I eat, but sometimes I do. And I certainly don't want to put myself down for setting boundaries with Brad, but I am. Writing about those old feelings - self-doubt, anger, being out of control - has brought them back up for me. I feel like a failure tonight. I don't believe that I am a failure, I just feel like it. I can tell that it's an old feeling though because of how terrible it feels. It is distorted. It feels hopeless.

But this time I'm stronger and I know who I am and I know that I have real value as a human being. So I'm not going to give in to the old feelings, the past memories. I'm going to stand up for myself and say that I deserve to feel better than this. I am a success. It's okay to leave some dishes on the counter. It's okay to get side tracked. I won't always feel this way and I'll be able to do the things that I want to do without obstacles. Tomorrow is another day and I will start it out on the right foot, literally. I will go for my walk. I will make my smoothie and I will be kind to myself.

I think I'm feeling guilty because I had a bowl of cereal tonight to deal with these feelings. I didn't pig out. I chose the healthiest cereal I had (Cheerios). I tried to make good choices even while I was making a not so good choice. (I hope that makes sense.) Before I would have eaten everything in sight to deal with these feelings. But tonight I took a different path. I blogged about my feelings instead of trying to eat my way out of them. Eating does medicate me for a few minutes, but then I just feel worse for doing it. I'm not going to allow myself to do that anymore. I made a little blunder by having some cereal with sugar. That's okay. I stopped there. I didn't spin out of control. I am proud of myself.

Writing about Body Clutter issues is bound to bring this stuff up. That's the point. I have to deal with stuff or I'll have a real hard time losing weight. And I'll also have a difficult time dealing with the emotional side of this. I can do this. I know that Marla and Leanne would be encouraging me and telling me to just do my best, to jump in where I am, to remember that I'm not behind. I will keep those thoughts in mind as I fall off to sleep tonight.