Articulation

I think I'm feeling depressed . I went to bed fairly early last night just to escape being awake. And today I'm feeling trapped. Not sure why. I've been dealing with depression for a long time now and it never feels comfortable. You'd think that after feeling like this for so long that there would be some comfort in the known feeling, but there isn't. It always makes me feel like something bad is about to happen. And I feel like I'm living the wrong life or living life the wrong way perhaps. Either way, it's not a great way to feel.

I'm sure that part of what has brought this on is the situation with Brad. I don't want my life turned inside out again but I'll feel bad if I don't help him. This is a lose-lose. He's supposed to got to see his PO today. Then he said he would call and talk to me about Amanda. All I've ever seen in that relationship is disrespect, verbal abuse and the two of them trying to control each other. He said that he loved her, and maybe he still does, but it's an abusive relationship at best. If he wants her in his life he's going to have to do that on his own. As a matter of fact, he's going to have to do it all on his own because I'm not going to enable him again. Bailing him out does not help him. I'm not sure what he's going to want when he calls, but no matter what it is I have to be strong enough to say 'no' to him. I love Brad and always will, but I don't particularly like his behavior. He's foul mouthed, he has anger issues and he's not always truthful. But he has a great sense of humor, he wants nothing more than to be loved, and he's my boy. How do I say 'no' to him?

Completely changing the subject:

I went for my walk this morning. This book on tape is really good. It definitely has my attention. It makes walking even more of a pleasure. I've been getting out there every day and walking. Even on days that I don't feel like walking. I'm doing great!

Today is FlyShow day. I need to think about what I'm going to talk about today. I know it will have to do with emotional body clutter, but I'm not sure what exactly.

I was thinking about Marla last night. I'm worried that she is 'cluttering' her life up with all of these new things she is doing. Sometimes I think that if we don't have physical clutter around we make mental or emotional clutter to take it's place. She has so many things going on at one time and I don't think she's able to put time into all of them to make them work. She started jumpcut and has kind of left that. She puts a lot of time into Eric Dodge's career. Now she has this new guy, Jonathan Roche, her virtual trainer, that she's now working with. And last night she emailed us about another little project she's been working on (benefitbar) that will need some of her time. Maybe I'm just unnecessarily worrying about her. Maybe she is the kind of person that can successfully do this many things at one time. Maybe I'm just being selfish and I want her to make the Flybabies her first priority. As she becomes more popular, she's going to have less time to do what made her popular - taking care of her Flybabies. Maybe I'm just feeling like all of these things she's doing is bringing in too much clutter into my life. I guess I need to work on my boundaries and just do what is right for me. I can't do that many things at one time so I'm feeling anxious for her. I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I just worry about the path she is/I am going down. It doesn't seem simple enough any more. There seems to be a lot of clutter. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general these days. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way about their lives or about Marla.

Somehow I need to figure out what is really bothering me so I can discuss it with Marla and Leanne today. I feel like I've done a great job at decluttering my home and I don't like the way it feels when my life starts feeling cluttered. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm thinking that this is my own, personal problem. When something new comes along, I want to be involved in it. I want to be part of 'the club'. If I don't jump on the band wagon, then I feel like I'm left out. If it's good for 'everyone else' then it must be good for me too. But I know that's not true. I have to decide what fits into my life, my routine and what doesn't. What works for someone else doesn't necessarily work for me. And that's okay. It's supposed to be okay anyway. I don't know that it really is for me.

I guess the issue that sticks out in the last couple of days is that I have a hard time saying 'no' to whatever comes along. I want to feel like part of the gang, so I try to incorporate everything into my routine whether it fits or not. I usually know at the beginning that it won't fit, but I talk myself into trying it anyway. I need to get comfortable with my routine before I start changing it up or adding to it.

So, what do I talk about today on the FlyShow? How is this emotional body clutter effecting my physical body clutter? I gained a bit back today because I ate too many carbs again yesterday. I was feeling 'nervous' and when I feel nervous I turn to carbs. Maybe that's what I should talk about today.

Can taking in too many suggestions become clutter in our lives? Everyone has something to offer and if we take it all to heart then it is bound to clutter up our lives.

Okay, I just took a break and has my smoothie for breakfast. I shouldn't wait too long after walking to take in some energy. So that's done.

I wish I could be more articulate about what I'm dealing with today.

I just thought about something else in my life that makes me feel the same way. I joined a bible study here in our community quite some time ago. I go off and on. Mostly I go out of a sense of obligation. I said I'd go, so I should go. I know that people wonder about me if I don't show up. I'm not brave enough to say that I don't want to go anymore, so I just keep going, letting it clutter up my life. It's not that it's a bad thing. It isn't. It's a great get together. But I don't know that it's for me. I can make a choice to not go, but I'd feel like I'm disapponting people if I do that. I wish I could just show up when I feel like showing up and not have to worry about explaining myself on times that I don't.

In addition to the bible study, I've also been asked to do other activities in the community and to do volunteer things outside the community (but with community members). I have attended a couple events but honestly don't feel like it's something that I want to do long term. It's the same thing: I'd like to show up when I feel like it and not have to explain when I don't.

That's how I feel about most things in my life. I want to 'show up' when it feels right and 'stay away' when it doesn't. I don't mean that it's a negative or bad thing, just that on that day I don't want to be involved. And I don't want to feel like I owe anyone an explanation about why I wasn't there. I don't feel like there is a happy medium. I either have to show up every time or explain why I didn't.

I also don't want to be volunteered to do things. As soon as it feels like an obligation, I bow out. May not be the right way to feel, but I do feel that way. I was doing some volunteer work, showing up when I felt up to it, but then it was almost assumed that I wouldn't mind picking someone else up to go too. Well, I haven't gone since I was 'volunteered'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. There are going to be days that I don't go and I don't want that to mean that the other person can't go because I don't.

Is any of this making any sense? What have I stumbled onto here? Do I have a fear of responsibility? I guess this makes this come full circle. I feel like I'm living my life the wrong way. I'm trying to do what others want me to do. Not because they are making me, but because I have a hard time saying 'no'. I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to let people down. But is that really what I'd be doing? Isn't it more disappointing to tell people that I'll be involved and then keep ducking out? What if I went through a whole day and just did what I wanted to do? Not being selfish or thoughtless, but doing what fits for me, what feels best. Would I even know what to do? Why can't I just say 'thanks for the invite but that doesn't work for me'. Would I feel like I'd have to explain why it doesn't fit? What do I really want for myself? What kind of life do I really want to live? I've trapped myself into an existence that doesn't really have meaning for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy with my life. I just don't know that I'm actually living the life I was meant to live. I've been drifting along trying not to rock the boat.

Anyway, I still haven't figured out what to talk about on the FlyShow today. lol Guess it will come to me like it always does.