Pondering the morning musing

I had a good morning today. I did my morning routine even though I had an appointment at 10:45 a.m. Usually, if I have an appointment, I put off my routine until after I get home. But today I did my walk, showered, had my smoothie and got the laundry going all before I left the house at 10am for my test. I even had time to stop by the library and drop off books and pick up a Stephen King book on tape for my morning walks. The test only lasted 45 minutes. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever done, but it wasn't too bad. On the way home I stopped at KS and picked up some TP and three bagels. I got a blueberry one for David for his afternoon snack. I think he will enjoy that. I've rebooted the laundry and emptied/reloaded the dishwasher since I got home from the doctors. Now I'm taking some time out to relax. I need to drink a lot of water today (because of the test) so I'm going to have to be vigilent about that.

I got an email from Patricia earlier today. She wanted to know how the lunch went and said she'd like to get together some time for tea or coffee. I'm not sure where she lives, but I'm sure there is a Pikes Perk somewhere between the two of us. That would be a nice place to hang out for a bit. She never knows what her schedule will be like so I told her to just email me one morning and I'd let her know if that day would work. I look forward to getting together with her.

Well, I did it. Even though I told myself I wouldn't. I looked up air fares for the NC FlyFest. ~sigh~ I found a reasonable air fare but there's no way I can afford to go on a trip at this point. I can start saving for next year though.

It's so weird to not be able to just go on a trip when I want to. It's so limiting. But that is the reality I am living in now so I might as well just get comfortable with it. I think often about the past two years and the kids coming out here and the mountain home. What a disaster that all turned out to be. There certainly were some good moments, but overall, it was not a pleasant experience. Oh well, you live and you learn.

I am going to take it easy the rest of the day. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable after getting that test done. And I'm still feeling very tired. I got up twice last night. And one of the times I was up for quite a while.

I had my bagel for a morning snack. It wasn't the best snack I could have chosen, but I really was craving bread and instead of getting a whole demi load, I got a bagel instead. If I had the whole loaf, I would eat the whole loaf. That wouldn't be good. Way too many carbs. And just not a good idea to give in to the urge to over eat.

There have been quite a few emails from FlyLady lately for those of us that are handi-capable. I think I'm realizing that I was getting frustrated because it was taking me so long to get things done. What I wasn't looking at though were the little victories I was having all day. I was concentrating on what wasn't getting done. So I decided this morning to stop using my Excel spreadsheet of my daily routines as a check off list. I would feel good if it all got checked off and would feel bad if it didn't. That's not a way to gauge the day. So now it's just a guideline for things I can do each day, but it's not a noose around my neck of things that have to be done. The checkmark areas have been deleted. It's a major accomplishment for me to just get up and get out there for my walk every day. I wasn't walking at all just weeks ago and now I'm walking a mile a day! Go Me! And any day I can make a smoothie for breakfast is a great day (they are so yummy!). If I can do the little things (laundry, dishes, etc.) then I'm accomplishing a lot. I really need to focus on what I'm getting done, not what is still waiting to be done. There will always be things that need to be done. I don't want to get stuck in the trap of having to 'do it all' in order for it to be a successful day.

Marla sent out a morning musing today about values, self-worth and firm foundations. In it she asked where we get our value from: work, family, money, etc. That's a real good question for me. When Brad was here I got my value from being his auntie. When he left I felt devastated and like there just wasn't any purpose in life for me any more. Then I lost my job. That devastated me even further. Who was I if I wasn't a consultant doing important things? I feel like it really was a test for me. Was I going to put my value in being an auntie or being a worker? If Idid, then when those things go away, who am I? I've had to spend many years figuring that out. Then the kids and grandkids moved out here with us and now I was 'someone' again. I was a mom and a grandmom and a wife. And Brad came out again so I was an auntie again too. I certainly got all my value from who I was taking care of. I had value because I was an auntie, a mom, a grandmom and a wife. Now all the kids and grandkids have moved away. So who am I? I'm a wife, but I don't want to put all my value in that either because things can happen. We have two wonderful ladies in Bible Study who have lost their husbands recently. They are struggling to figure out who they are without their spouse. I know I would struggle with that too, but I'd like to know that I'd still be a whole person, useful and valued just because of who I am, not because of who I am married to. But here's the thing, where do I get my value as a human being. I believe that my value should be in knowing that I was created by God and that I don't have to do a darn thing to be a child of God. I just am. But we do draw our value from what me do or 'who' we are to others. It's hard not to. If I wasn't with David would I still feel valuable? I wouldn't be a wife anymore. Where would my value come from? It's got to come from within. I have to know that I am valuable just because I am. And that's not easy to do. We live in a very competitive, materialistic world and you've got to be better or have more stuff to be 'somebody'. Well, I've had a lot of things leave my life lately (kids, grandkids, mountain home, financial security) and if I'm going to value myself only on those things, then I'm in big trouble. Somehow, and I don't know quite how, I do feel valuable just being. I enjoy being a Flybaby, but I don't get my value from being a Flybaby. I have to know that I can move forward no matter what I do or don't do, or who I do or don't take care of. So, why am I important on this planet? Because I love and I am loved. As long as there is love in my life (even love of myself) then I have value.

That was a good musing to ponder. Marla gives me a lot to think about.

But, it's been a good morning and I'm glad to be a part of this beautiful fall day.