Body Clutter

My Morning.

I used to have a very difficult time figuring out what to do in the morning and usually by the time I would get things done I would have forgotten about breakfast and would do the easy thing - cereal. Usually a sugary bowl of something - Frosted Flakes, Cheerios with sugar, Corn Pops or Captain Crunch. About the only good thing was the Cheerios, but I made it a loss less healthy by dumping a ton of sugar on it. But at least I ate something. For quite a while I would literally go all day without eating and finally eat at dinner time. Breakfast was not a priority for me then. But things have changed since I read the book 'Body Clutter' and got back involved with its authors, Marla 'FlyLady' Cilley and Leanne 'Dinner Diva' Ely.

The Body Clutter book had me look at the emotions involved with eating. I had to figure out what my comfort foods were and why they were my comfort foods. As I thought about it a lot of it went back to my Grandmother. I was her 'little angel' and anything associated with her meant a lot to me since she passed away when I was only four. And what I remember most is my Grandmother making mashed potatoes for me with milk on them. It always made me feel cared about when my Grandmother took care of me and mashed potatoes was a part of it. When she died I think the only time I felt love again was when I was eating potatoes, especially mashed potatoes.

Isn't it weird what we associate our food with. If my Grandmother had given me candy I probably would have found that to be my comfort food.

Growing up my mom once told me that as a family 'we love food'. What an odd thing for someone to say. But, it was true. My family did love food. I struggled with weight issues all my young and teen years. It wasn't until I moved away from home that I actually got down to a healthy weight, but I brought along a lot of 'food baggage' with me. I was always worried about being 'fat' because my mom and my siblings made fun of me and called me names. So when I was out on my own it wasn't a surprise that a developed a food disorder. I am 5'10" tall and I couldn't get thin enough. At one point, after a long period of dieting on eggs, steak and oj, I got down to under 120 pounds. That was underweight for me, but at the time I still felt like I was too 'fat'. When I look back at some of the pictures from that time period, I can't believe what I looked like. You could see my bones sticking out all over my body. Now it looks so unhealthy, back then I just saw the fat that was still there.

At 22 when I married my first husband, I didn't realize that I was getting into an abusive relationship. And he was very controlling. I guess looking back at things, I really did know I was getting into that, but I just didn't want to see it. I was in love. And he fed my food disorder. He always told me I was too heavy and that I needed to lose weight. At one point he actually asked to smell my breath so he could tell if I had eaten any food. What a horrible way to live. I was always sneaking food when he wasn't around because he never wanted me eating. Then I rebelled against him and started gaining weight. And gaining more weight. I knew it bothered him that I was getting 'fat'. I didn't think then of the toll it was taking on me physically and mentally, just that it was ticking him off. I felt so fat but I still was only 140 - 150 pounds! I spent seven long, challenging years in that relationship. When I got out, I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I believed what he told me: I couldn't make it on my own, I was worthless and I was fat.

Needless to say when I met David I wasn't in the best frame of mind. I was just grateful that someone was interested in a worthless, divorced, fat girl like me. (I still can't believe I felt that way about myself). What I need to say though, is that all of this was under the surface. I hadn't faced any of these issues then. I know now what I was feeling but then it was just a part of my every day life. Very well hidden though. I stayed in fairly good shape for a while. I had to stay in shape when we were dating so I could 'keep' him interested. My first husband had taught me that no one would be interested in me if I were 'overweight' so I made sure that I didn't 'balloon' up right away (meaning: gain 5 pounds). But not too long into the relationship I started acting/feeling like I did with my first husband (controlled) and the weight came back on. But it wasn't David that was controlling me. It was the old memories. I was dragging my past into my present.

I got into this relationship even though I didn't really think it would last. How could it last if I wasn't thin anymore? My eating disorder came back in full force, but this time it was over eating I was doing. The weight came on slowly but surely. But David was different. He loved me no matter how much weight I gained or lost. That was hard to believe for me. I honestly didn't know whether I should try to be thin or try to gain weight (so he could 'prove' he loved me). Talk about emotional body clutter. I was sinking in it.

I struggled with being overweight for years, but it wasn't until this last year that I really put on a lot of body clutter. A lot. Life got very stressful and I dealt with the stress by eating. My top weight was about 280 pounds! Yep, 280. Something had to change. So I went back to what I knew had helped me before - FlyLady.

First I got my life decluttered and then I started working on body clutter. Now my mornings are a great start to great days. I go for a walk every morning. I have a protein, fruit smoothie for breakfast. I keep track of what's going on with me with the Body Clutter Investigator and through this blog. And I am slowly, steadily losing body clutter (weight). And I'm feeling good about myself. Not because I'm losing weight but because I am feeling healthier and I'm taking care of myself. I am FLYing (Finally Loving Myself).