Ups and downs

Woohoo! I got my shower done and it's only a bit after noon time. I feel much better physically and mentally. It's nice to not have that hanging over my head. I also made my daily smoothie from Leanne's recipe. It's yummy! It has protein powder in it which gives me a real boost.

Kyle called. I think he's working on Brad's behalf and trying to talk me into letting Brad come out here if he can get things straightened out in Mass. This is emotional body clutter that I deal with. I feel guilty if I don't let him come out and yet I know that it won't work too well if he does come out. I don't know that he'd be able to get a job very easily and we can't afford another mouth to feed and another person to take care of with our finances where they are right now. I feel like we are his last hope and I would feel terrible having to say no to him. But right now he can't even think about coming out here until he straightens out the mess he's in back in Mass. I certainly am not going to put David and I in jeopardy just to bail Brad out again (and again and again!). At some point he's got to do this on his own and grow up in the process. If I keep fixing things for him, he'll never figure out how to take care of himself. I want to be supportive of him, but I don't know exactly how to do that without bailing him out.

Kyle said Brad looks terrible, like he hasn't showered in days. He also gave him some money so he could get something to eat since he hasn't eaten in days. That breaks my heart to know that he's not able to get just the basic necessities in life day to day. I know I could at least give him that - a place to live, a shower, food and people that love him. It makes it even harder to say no, knowing that he's not doing so well. What am I supposed to do? Tough love? Will that really work with Brad? He's been so depressed and I'm not sure what will put him over the edge. I don't want to be the reason that he does something terrible. This is so hard!

Lisa said that if I were having doubts and considering letting him come out here, that I should call her and she would talk me out of it. She knows we've tried this many times and it just doesn't work out. Brad always ends up gravitating to the same kind of lifestyle and wanting to go home because he's bored here. I'd like to think that he could get a job, get his GED, go to school, make some nice friends and turn things around. But he has no track record for that. This would be the 4th or 5th time he's come out here without a change of heart.

Grace just called me and asked if Kyle called me and what he had to say. I told her that Kyle called and said that Brad thought he might be able to come out here THIS WEEKEND! I told her that as much as I want to help him I just can't do it again. I don't think it's the right thing to do for Brad. Brad has got to get things straightened out in Mass before he even thinks of going anywhere else. He's got to show that he wants to go in a different direction with his life. Grace is going to talk to Kyle and call me back later. Kyle also said he would call me back later.

This is putting a lot of pressure on me. Kyle feels that Brad just can't take care of himself at this point and needs help. Maybe he does, but there is help for him in Mass. His probation officer will help him get things figured out and he can eat, shower and sleep at a shelter. I hate that for him, but it is a workable option. And I don't know how he thinks he's going to get out here this weekend. I certainly don't have the money to fly him out here. I'm broke. Any money I get needs to go to bills, groceries and gas. There's nothing left over. I just can't help him out right now.

I guess I need to talk to Brad and explain things to him. I don't want him getting angry at me or thinking that I don't want to help. I can't help. The best way I can help him right now is to point him in the direction of getting things straightened out in Mass and doing what will work, even if it's something that he really doesn't want to do (like the shelter).

I'm almost in tears here because I want to make things better for him and having him come out here might do that. He was successful out here. But then again he was having success at home until all this stuff happened and he got his head beat in with a baseball bat. I wish I knew the extent of his head injury. Maybe that's making it difficult for him right now. Maybe it's having an effect on him that we can't see. ~sigh~

How am I going to get him to listen to me without hurting his feelings or making him angry? I don't want him to turn away from me. I want to do what I can for him, even if it's very little compared to what I usually do. Will that be enough for him though? I remember when I had my head injury, which wasn't near as bad as his, and I struggled for a long time with emotions and figuring things out. It definitely changed me as a person. And I can't forget about his ADD. It's a pretty severe problem for him. It effects everything he does in life because he can't think things through.

If he would get things behind him in Mass, doing the right thing, if he would agree to go on medication for the ADD, if he would commit to getting a job and giving all of his money to me to handle (so he couldn't get into any trouble) then I might think about letting him come out here. But I'm sure he'd say that he would do whatever I want but once he got out here, he would do what he wants. I just don't want him around because of the foul language he uses. He's not willing to change that either. He just wants to get bailed out without changing anything himself. If he's not willing to help himself, if he's not willing to make some changes, then why should I put myself in the precarious postion of helping him?

I don't know for sure how David feels about all of this. I'm sure he feels like I do: he'd like to help him but he just can't (for lots of reasons).

If only Brad would not only agree to make some changes but to actually make them, then maybe there would be hope for him. But if he just continues down the path he is already on, then there really isn't anything that anyone can do for him.

I know that Kyle means well and is just trying to watch out for Brad. I know he wants the best for Brad. And I know he's not trying to get me to do something that he wouldn't do himself if he could. But I don't know that he truly understands the situation with Brad. Kyle told Grace that he thinks she'd not doing all she can to help Brad. That's gotta hurt Grace's feelings. She's done everything she can to help out Brad. You can only do so much when someone doesn't want to help themself.

I guess this saga will continue for quite some time. I don't want Brad to have to go back to jail, but it that's what it will take to get him back on track then I'm all for it. Winter is coming and he needs to find a place to stay so he's not walking the streets all the time. And he definitely needs a place where he can get consistent meals and showers. And it would be great if he could get medical and mental health care. I'm so worried about him doing something to himself because he's lost all hope.

What can I say to him to give him hope? God told me that regarding Brad it wouldn't look good (and it doesn't) but that He was always there for Brad. Do I think I can be more than God to Brad? I don't think so. I'm really going to have to pray about this and see what I should and shouldn't do. I love Brad as if he were my own. I want the best for him. But I won't do it at the expense of my life or my life with David.

Hopefully Kyle will talk to Brad today and get him to understand that he needs to turn himself in to his probation officer. That's the first thing he needs to do. He can't ask anything of anyone else if he doesn't ask something of himself first.

I pray that I will know that right thing to do for Brad. I pray that Brad will follow the path layed out before him, the path that will bring him success in his life. I pray that Brad will feel loved and be safe. I pray that my relationship with Brad and Brad's relationship with him mom will survive these trying times.