Brad again

Brad called. He hasn't gone in to see his PO yet. He says he's going to do it on Wednesday. I know he's afraid that he's going back to jail if he goes in so he's putting if off. His situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. I want to tell him it will be okay, but I don't know that it will be. He may have to go back to jail. Even if he doesn't, he can't come out here. I'm writing that so I can see it. I want to help him. I want him to come out here. I want to save him. But that's not my job. My job is to love him. That's it. He sounds like he's getting really depressed. He said he was going to go for a walk. I just worry so much about him. If anything happens to him...

I really feel like I let him down tonight. I didn't have anything to offer him. I feel like my hands are tied. How do I love him and support him but not help him out? I asked him about the thing he wanted to talk about regarding Amanda and he said he changed his mind. He didn't have anything to talk about. I think he's feeling let down by me. I usually rush in to save him but I'm not doing that this time. I don't know what to do. I am so frustrated.

He needs help. I'm hoping his PO will be able to help him out. I feel terrible because a part of me thinks that it wouldn't be the worst thing if he went back to jail. Isn't that horrible? I wish I didn't think that way, but I do. I want the responsibility to be put on someone else for Brad. I can't believe I feel this way.

I need to just take this one day at a time. He's not going to know anything until Wednesday (if he goes in) and depending on what happens I may not know what's going on for a while. I need to stop thinking about this now. I'm starting to get very upset. :-(