I was just over on Mary Hunt's blog (http://www.moneyrulesdebtstinks.com) and she is suggesting that people join her in Frugal Week (Oct 1-7) and 'for seven days all participants will commit to a specific and challenging frugal behavior of their choice.' I've committed to:
1. not using the debit card all week,
2. drinking only water all week (no juice) and
3. eating all meals at home and from what's on hand
I'll have to pick up a few things tomorrow to make this happen (mostly my stuff for smoothies). It will be a good challenge for me. Lots of people are giving up pop, snacks and coffee. Mary has committed to not spending ANY money that week (she'll be traveling too!). If I had more than one day to plan I might try not spending at all, but I only have tomorrow to get ready for the challenge. I'll try to keep spending to a minimum though. My Jeep has a full tank of gas, so I won't have to spend any money on that. I have plenty of food in the house so meals shouldn't be an issue. I'll only need to get smoothie mix and bananas so I can have a smoothie every morning after my walk. Lunch is still a difficult meal for me to figure out but maybe this week will give me a chance to work on my creativity. I already have plenty of stuff for main meals. I should be okay too just drinking water (no juice). I'm way over budget this month (September) anyway, so I should try to really curb the budget this coming month. I'll have to remember to check in on Mary's blog this week
Just finished up putting away the delicates. The towels are in the dryer. I'll probably finish those up in the morning since it's already 9:30pm. They won't be dry until well after 10pm. I don't anticipate staying up that late tonight. I'm going to go get ready for bed now. I'm looking forward to my walk in the morning. I hope it's not too cool or windy out. Either way, I'll just bundle up and go walk. Goodnight.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
The Day Goes On
Hey, guess what? I'm not behind on the bills like I thought I was. I had already set the bills up for payment online. Imagine that! That is so cool. It's nice to be ahead of the game.
We had cheesesteaks for dinner tonight. Again. That's not going to help my body clutter. I wasn't going to get anything but since David was having something I did. I'd like to blame him, say he was a bad influence, but it's really my own fault. I gave in. No one made me eat that stuff. It's okay though. I'll get up tomorrow and go for my walk and get back on track with my eating. I wanted to get some candy tonight, but I didn't do that. Score one for me.
Jeans and sweats are sitting in the dryer, calling my name. I should go put them away and get the delicates in the dryer and the towels in the washer. The pants aren't quite dry yet, so I set the dryer for another ten minutes.
There was just a strange banging sound coming from the bedroom. When I went in there the dogs were by the bathroom door and I could hear Minnie on the other side. Somehow she was locked in the bathroom while we went to the store. Thankfully she didn't making any mess in there. I let her out and she was happy.
We had cheesesteaks for dinner tonight. Again. That's not going to help my body clutter. I wasn't going to get anything but since David was having something I did. I'd like to blame him, say he was a bad influence, but it's really my own fault. I gave in. No one made me eat that stuff. It's okay though. I'll get up tomorrow and go for my walk and get back on track with my eating. I wanted to get some candy tonight, but I didn't do that. Score one for me.
Jeans and sweats are sitting in the dryer, calling my name. I should go put them away and get the delicates in the dryer and the towels in the washer. The pants aren't quite dry yet, so I set the dryer for another ten minutes.
There was just a strange banging sound coming from the bedroom. When I went in there the dogs were by the bathroom door and I could hear Minnie on the other side. Somehow she was locked in the bathroom while we went to the store. Thankfully she didn't making any mess in there. I let her out and she was happy.
How beautiful it is to nap
I just woke up from a well deserved afternoon nap. Why was it well deserved? It was well deserved because I had a productive morning. I went for my morning walk and listened to the book on tape I have from the library (Stephen King). I jumped in the shower when I got home from my walk today. I didn't procrastinate today. Go Me! After my shower, I made my smoothie and shared it with David. It was delicious.
It's very easy to make. First, I add some ice to the blender. Second I add my fruit (usually a banana and some frozen raspberries). Third, I add my vanilla smoothie mix and last, I add 2 scoops of vanilla protein powder. Then I just blend it together. I pour it in my cup and then I wash the blender out. I follow Marla's suggestion to add some water to the blender, then a bit of soap and blend to clean it. It works like a charm. I set it on a towel on the counter to let it air dry so it is ready when I need it the next day.
Laundry was next on the list. I sorted the clothes into four, small piles. The less there is in a load of laundry the quicker it dries and the faster I can get it put away. If there if a large load of laundry I tend to procrastinate about putting it away. Speaking of laundry, the dryer just buzzed. The shirts are dry. I need to go hang them up.
I took the shirts out of the dryer and hung them all up.
Emptying and reloading the dishwasher came after the laundry this morning. It took a lot less time than I thought it would take to get all the clean dishes put away and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
It was a cool, autumn morning so I thought I would take advantage of the weather and get out in the back yard early to clean up after the dogs. Even though it was sunny and cool, I was glad to get that finished. The girls were out in the yard with me. For a few seconds, they were both resting in the grass. I wish the camera had been out there, but it was in the house. I would not have had enough time to get it before they got up. As soon as they would have seen me going for the door, they would have jumped up and followed me. They looked gorgeous sitting in the green grass.
Huxley and Blitz did follow me into the house once I was done in the back yard. They headed for the bedroom not too long after coming in the house. I followed them this time. I opened the window on my side of the bed and the fall breeze came rushing in. It was a perfect time for a nap. I didn't think that I would fall asleep but I drifted off quickly. The wind, beating the flag on the pole, woke me occaissionally. In seconds, I was able to sink back into my nap. The dogs slept with us and were kind enough to leave me enough room on the bed and adequate covers to buffet the cool breeze. David and the girls are still sleeping.
I'm continuing to plug away at the laundry. The jeans and sweats are in the dryer and the delicates are in the washer. I like getting the laundry out of the way.
I've been putting off making a home made dinner the last couple of nights. Thursday night we had steak and cheese sandwishes from Trivelli's and last night we had cereal. I didn't wake up from my Friday afternoon nap until almost 6:15pm and 'Ghost Whisperer' came on at 7pm. So, we had cereal for dinner. I did have the veggie soup in there, but I didn't feel like eating soup last night. I think the reason I've been hesitant to make dinner at home is that the next recipe is for Tomato Pork Chops and I'm not sure if I will like that or not. I guess I could just cook regular pork chops and not worry about having to make that recipe. There are options.
I must check to see which bills are currently due. I'm having some difficulty getting bills paid on time because I am using web bill pay. I enter them into the web bill pay system later than I should and they are not sent on time. It will take some hands-on experience with the online system to figure out when to enter the bills for scheduled payment. I'll be on top of it soon enough.
The wind has picked up. The porch swing rocks back and forth with it's unseen guests. The sky is full of rain clouds, but that doesn't mean we will get any rain here. We could use some rain today. Of course, if it rains, then David won't be able to mow the lawn. I'm sure that would break his little heart. ;-)
It's too early to start dinner, but I can start thinking about how I'm goiing to cook those pork chops. I'll reread the recipe and see if it seems like something that would appeal to me. I'm not very hungry right now and thinking about eating pork chops isn't making me full any less full.
David is awake and out of bed now. Dyrk just called and wanted to talk to him and I brought the phone in to him. They girls, however, are still in bed. Oh, wait a second, they just got up too. Now everyone is up from the Saturday afternoon nap.
So, the laundry continues, the dishwasher will be started after dinner tonight and... hold on. David just asked if we could go get something to eat. I'd like to tell him that we really can't afford to keep eating out and we have plenty of food here, but he'll get angry because he's been in a grumpy mood lately. I don't want to deal with that, so I guess we'll go get something to eat.
It's very easy to make. First, I add some ice to the blender. Second I add my fruit (usually a banana and some frozen raspberries). Third, I add my vanilla smoothie mix and last, I add 2 scoops of vanilla protein powder. Then I just blend it together. I pour it in my cup and then I wash the blender out. I follow Marla's suggestion to add some water to the blender, then a bit of soap and blend to clean it. It works like a charm. I set it on a towel on the counter to let it air dry so it is ready when I need it the next day.
Laundry was next on the list. I sorted the clothes into four, small piles. The less there is in a load of laundry the quicker it dries and the faster I can get it put away. If there if a large load of laundry I tend to procrastinate about putting it away. Speaking of laundry, the dryer just buzzed. The shirts are dry. I need to go hang them up.
I took the shirts out of the dryer and hung them all up.
Emptying and reloading the dishwasher came after the laundry this morning. It took a lot less time than I thought it would take to get all the clean dishes put away and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
It was a cool, autumn morning so I thought I would take advantage of the weather and get out in the back yard early to clean up after the dogs. Even though it was sunny and cool, I was glad to get that finished. The girls were out in the yard with me. For a few seconds, they were both resting in the grass. I wish the camera had been out there, but it was in the house. I would not have had enough time to get it before they got up. As soon as they would have seen me going for the door, they would have jumped up and followed me. They looked gorgeous sitting in the green grass.
Huxley and Blitz did follow me into the house once I was done in the back yard. They headed for the bedroom not too long after coming in the house. I followed them this time. I opened the window on my side of the bed and the fall breeze came rushing in. It was a perfect time for a nap. I didn't think that I would fall asleep but I drifted off quickly. The wind, beating the flag on the pole, woke me occaissionally. In seconds, I was able to sink back into my nap. The dogs slept with us and were kind enough to leave me enough room on the bed and adequate covers to buffet the cool breeze. David and the girls are still sleeping.
I'm continuing to plug away at the laundry. The jeans and sweats are in the dryer and the delicates are in the washer. I like getting the laundry out of the way.
I've been putting off making a home made dinner the last couple of nights. Thursday night we had steak and cheese sandwishes from Trivelli's and last night we had cereal. I didn't wake up from my Friday afternoon nap until almost 6:15pm and 'Ghost Whisperer' came on at 7pm. So, we had cereal for dinner. I did have the veggie soup in there, but I didn't feel like eating soup last night. I think the reason I've been hesitant to make dinner at home is that the next recipe is for Tomato Pork Chops and I'm not sure if I will like that or not. I guess I could just cook regular pork chops and not worry about having to make that recipe. There are options.
I must check to see which bills are currently due. I'm having some difficulty getting bills paid on time because I am using web bill pay. I enter them into the web bill pay system later than I should and they are not sent on time. It will take some hands-on experience with the online system to figure out when to enter the bills for scheduled payment. I'll be on top of it soon enough.
The wind has picked up. The porch swing rocks back and forth with it's unseen guests. The sky is full of rain clouds, but that doesn't mean we will get any rain here. We could use some rain today. Of course, if it rains, then David won't be able to mow the lawn. I'm sure that would break his little heart. ;-)
It's too early to start dinner, but I can start thinking about how I'm goiing to cook those pork chops. I'll reread the recipe and see if it seems like something that would appeal to me. I'm not very hungry right now and thinking about eating pork chops isn't making me full any less full.
David is awake and out of bed now. Dyrk just called and wanted to talk to him and I brought the phone in to him. They girls, however, are still in bed. Oh, wait a second, they just got up too. Now everyone is up from the Saturday afternoon nap.
So, the laundry continues, the dishwasher will be started after dinner tonight and... hold on. David just asked if we could go get something to eat. I'd like to tell him that we really can't afford to keep eating out and we have plenty of food here, but he'll get angry because he's been in a grumpy mood lately. I don't want to deal with that, so I guess we'll go get something to eat.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Ducks
The dreaded shower is done. Why do I dread it when it always makes me feel so good? ~shakes head~ I had my smoothie before I took my shower. Imagine that - I did things out of order! ~lol~ Seriously though, I do feel like there is a particular order to things and that when I do them 'out of order' I feel weird. I don't just want my ducks in a row, I want them in the correct column too. Perfectionism. That's what it is. I get so nervous about doing things out of order that I end up not doing anything at all sometimes. But I've been doing well lately. Going for a morning walk, drinking a smoothie for breakfast and getting my shower done as early as I can is now becoming a part of my every day routine. As I get more comfortable with it I'll add in other things to the routine. Babysteps. There are plenty of things that need to be done around here, but like I said earlier, I'm going to take it nice and slow today and not push myself.
The sky is overcast today. I love days like this. I wouldn't mind getting a day of steady rain but I'm not looking forward to the colder weather getting here. I think I'm already stressing out over the impending winter weather. I need to let that go and just enjoy today.
The sky is overcast today. I love days like this. I wouldn't mind getting a day of steady rain but I'm not looking forward to the colder weather getting here. I think I'm already stressing out over the impending winter weather. I need to let that go and just enjoy today.
My Mind: and welcome to it
I wonder if I looked back over the last two weeks of blogging if I could see my mind slowing slipping away. I'm sure that I could. I should have known something was up when I started having trouble typing. I was making a lot of mistakes, like I was just a bit off. There were signs. But they were so subtle that even I couldn't see them. Not until they were the size of a billboard. Though I'm back on track, my pace is slow. It takes a while to get back to whatever normal is for me. But at least I'm on my way.
I went out for my walk this morning. I took it easy. My pace was slower than usual. But it felt good to be out there doing something productive. I listened to more of the 'Secret Window, Secret Garden' book on tape. I didn't know if I'd like having James Woods reading it, but I do. He is an excellent story teller.
Yesterday when I wrote that I would 'be kind to myself' I knew exactly what i meant by that. I was going to eat junk food. That's how I would be kind to myself. That's how I would deal with the stress. So I did eat some junk food. I had a cheesesteak and fries from Trivelli's, a Hawaiin Punch (loaded with sugar!) and part of a king size chocolate bar. Not the really big one, just the one that is like having 1 1/2 - 2 candy bars. I felt like I 'needed' chocolate. What I really needed was comforting. I don't know that I know how to get that without turning to food. The food did take away some of the stress for a time, but that's the thing about not dealing with the feeling itself, it always comes back. Not only that but I actually got a stomach ache from eating that junk. But I didn't let it put me in a spiral out of control. I got up and went out for my walk this morning and I'll have my smoothie for breakfast. And I'm still going to go over to Lisa's for scone day. I'm not going to punish myself for having a bad day.
I need to take it slow and easy today. It's not a day to push myself to get stuff done. I'll do my usual routine as much as I am able to. I will jump in where I am. I will remind myself that I am not behind.
I thought about deleting this blog last night. Get rid of the evidence of a mind slipping away. But that wouldn't change anything. And maybe I'll find out that I'm not the only one who goes through this type of momentary madness. lol I'm sure other people have times when they feel that they are not quite so steady on their feet and it wouldn't take much to tip them over. I'm just silly enough to document a time like that.
Well, all this blogging is great, but I know it's just a way to help me procrastinate about taking my morning shower. I'd rather just sit here and veg. But I am going over to Lisa's today so I need to get the shower over with. And I know that if I can get a few things from my routine done that I'll feel better. So, off I go.
I went out for my walk this morning. I took it easy. My pace was slower than usual. But it felt good to be out there doing something productive. I listened to more of the 'Secret Window, Secret Garden' book on tape. I didn't know if I'd like having James Woods reading it, but I do. He is an excellent story teller.
Yesterday when I wrote that I would 'be kind to myself' I knew exactly what i meant by that. I was going to eat junk food. That's how I would be kind to myself. That's how I would deal with the stress. So I did eat some junk food. I had a cheesesteak and fries from Trivelli's, a Hawaiin Punch (loaded with sugar!) and part of a king size chocolate bar. Not the really big one, just the one that is like having 1 1/2 - 2 candy bars. I felt like I 'needed' chocolate. What I really needed was comforting. I don't know that I know how to get that without turning to food. The food did take away some of the stress for a time, but that's the thing about not dealing with the feeling itself, it always comes back. Not only that but I actually got a stomach ache from eating that junk. But I didn't let it put me in a spiral out of control. I got up and went out for my walk this morning and I'll have my smoothie for breakfast. And I'm still going to go over to Lisa's for scone day. I'm not going to punish myself for having a bad day.
I need to take it slow and easy today. It's not a day to push myself to get stuff done. I'll do my usual routine as much as I am able to. I will jump in where I am. I will remind myself that I am not behind.
I thought about deleting this blog last night. Get rid of the evidence of a mind slipping away. But that wouldn't change anything. And maybe I'll find out that I'm not the only one who goes through this type of momentary madness. lol I'm sure other people have times when they feel that they are not quite so steady on their feet and it wouldn't take much to tip them over. I'm just silly enough to document a time like that.
Well, all this blogging is great, but I know it's just a way to help me procrastinate about taking my morning shower. I'd rather just sit here and veg. But I am going over to Lisa's today so I need to get the shower over with. And I know that if I can get a few things from my routine done that I'll feel better. So, off I go.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I messed up
I called David a little while ago to tell him that I'm not having a good day. And I know why I'm not having a good day. I should I say days. I haven't been taking my medicine for weeks now. I have some, I just started feeling like I won't be able to afford all my medicine so I needed to stop taking it. I wanted to see if I could be okay doing without it. I always think that I'll be okay with out it. And I am for a few days or weeks but then it all goes down hill fast. That's where I am today. Down hill. I'm questioning everything. Nothing seems right. I can't get on track. I hate being dependent on the medicine, but I don't like feeling like this either. So I went ahead and took my medicine today. It will take days or more for me to start feeling better. I need to cut myself some slack until I do feel better. Today has been chaotic to me because my thoughts are racing and I can't focus. I feel like I messed up again. How many times am I going to do this to myself? LOL I'm laughing because I know this. I've been here before. But it's okay. I'll be kind to myself and take care of myself until I get past this (again).
Articulation
I think I'm feeling depressed . I went to bed fairly early last night just to escape being awake. And today I'm feeling trapped. Not sure why. I've been dealing with depression for a long time now and it never feels comfortable. You'd think that after feeling like this for so long that there would be some comfort in the known feeling, but there isn't. It always makes me feel like something bad is about to happen. And I feel like I'm living the wrong life or living life the wrong way perhaps. Either way, it's not a great way to feel.
I'm sure that part of what has brought this on is the situation with Brad. I don't want my life turned inside out again but I'll feel bad if I don't help him. This is a lose-lose. He's supposed to got to see his PO today. Then he said he would call and talk to me about Amanda. All I've ever seen in that relationship is disrespect, verbal abuse and the two of them trying to control each other. He said that he loved her, and maybe he still does, but it's an abusive relationship at best. If he wants her in his life he's going to have to do that on his own. As a matter of fact, he's going to have to do it all on his own because I'm not going to enable him again. Bailing him out does not help him. I'm not sure what he's going to want when he calls, but no matter what it is I have to be strong enough to say 'no' to him. I love Brad and always will, but I don't particularly like his behavior. He's foul mouthed, he has anger issues and he's not always truthful. But he has a great sense of humor, he wants nothing more than to be loved, and he's my boy. How do I say 'no' to him?
Completely changing the subject:
I went for my walk this morning. This book on tape is really good. It definitely has my attention. It makes walking even more of a pleasure. I've been getting out there every day and walking. Even on days that I don't feel like walking. I'm doing great!
Today is FlyShow day. I need to think about what I'm going to talk about today. I know it will have to do with emotional body clutter, but I'm not sure what exactly.
I was thinking about Marla last night. I'm worried that she is 'cluttering' her life up with all of these new things she is doing. Sometimes I think that if we don't have physical clutter around we make mental or emotional clutter to take it's place. She has so many things going on at one time and I don't think she's able to put time into all of them to make them work. She started jumpcut and has kind of left that. She puts a lot of time into Eric Dodge's career. Now she has this new guy, Jonathan Roche, her virtual trainer, that she's now working with. And last night she emailed us about another little project she's been working on (benefitbar) that will need some of her time. Maybe I'm just unnecessarily worrying about her. Maybe she is the kind of person that can successfully do this many things at one time. Maybe I'm just being selfish and I want her to make the Flybabies her first priority. As she becomes more popular, she's going to have less time to do what made her popular - taking care of her Flybabies. Maybe I'm just feeling like all of these things she's doing is bringing in too much clutter into my life. I guess I need to work on my boundaries and just do what is right for me. I can't do that many things at one time so I'm feeling anxious for her. I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I just worry about the path she is/I am going down. It doesn't seem simple enough any more. There seems to be a lot of clutter. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general these days. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way about their lives or about Marla.
Somehow I need to figure out what is really bothering me so I can discuss it with Marla and Leanne today. I feel like I've done a great job at decluttering my home and I don't like the way it feels when my life starts feeling cluttered. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm thinking that this is my own, personal problem. When something new comes along, I want to be involved in it. I want to be part of 'the club'. If I don't jump on the band wagon, then I feel like I'm left out. If it's good for 'everyone else' then it must be good for me too. But I know that's not true. I have to decide what fits into my life, my routine and what doesn't. What works for someone else doesn't necessarily work for me. And that's okay. It's supposed to be okay anyway. I don't know that it really is for me.
I guess the issue that sticks out in the last couple of days is that I have a hard time saying 'no' to whatever comes along. I want to feel like part of the gang, so I try to incorporate everything into my routine whether it fits or not. I usually know at the beginning that it won't fit, but I talk myself into trying it anyway. I need to get comfortable with my routine before I start changing it up or adding to it.
So, what do I talk about today on the FlyShow? How is this emotional body clutter effecting my physical body clutter? I gained a bit back today because I ate too many carbs again yesterday. I was feeling 'nervous' and when I feel nervous I turn to carbs. Maybe that's what I should talk about today.
Can taking in too many suggestions become clutter in our lives? Everyone has something to offer and if we take it all to heart then it is bound to clutter up our lives.
Okay, I just took a break and has my smoothie for breakfast. I shouldn't wait too long after walking to take in some energy. So that's done.
I wish I could be more articulate about what I'm dealing with today.
I just thought about something else in my life that makes me feel the same way. I joined a bible study here in our community quite some time ago. I go off and on. Mostly I go out of a sense of obligation. I said I'd go, so I should go. I know that people wonder about me if I don't show up. I'm not brave enough to say that I don't want to go anymore, so I just keep going, letting it clutter up my life. It's not that it's a bad thing. It isn't. It's a great get together. But I don't know that it's for me. I can make a choice to not go, but I'd feel like I'm disapponting people if I do that. I wish I could just show up when I feel like showing up and not have to worry about explaining myself on times that I don't.
In addition to the bible study, I've also been asked to do other activities in the community and to do volunteer things outside the community (but with community members). I have attended a couple events but honestly don't feel like it's something that I want to do long term. It's the same thing: I'd like to show up when I feel like it and not have to explain when I don't.
That's how I feel about most things in my life. I want to 'show up' when it feels right and 'stay away' when it doesn't. I don't mean that it's a negative or bad thing, just that on that day I don't want to be involved. And I don't want to feel like I owe anyone an explanation about why I wasn't there. I don't feel like there is a happy medium. I either have to show up every time or explain why I didn't.
I also don't want to be volunteered to do things. As soon as it feels like an obligation, I bow out. May not be the right way to feel, but I do feel that way. I was doing some volunteer work, showing up when I felt up to it, but then it was almost assumed that I wouldn't mind picking someone else up to go too. Well, I haven't gone since I was 'volunteered'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. There are going to be days that I don't go and I don't want that to mean that the other person can't go because I don't.
Is any of this making any sense? What have I stumbled onto here? Do I have a fear of responsibility? I guess this makes this come full circle. I feel like I'm living my life the wrong way. I'm trying to do what others want me to do. Not because they are making me, but because I have a hard time saying 'no'. I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to let people down. But is that really what I'd be doing? Isn't it more disappointing to tell people that I'll be involved and then keep ducking out? What if I went through a whole day and just did what I wanted to do? Not being selfish or thoughtless, but doing what fits for me, what feels best. Would I even know what to do? Why can't I just say 'thanks for the invite but that doesn't work for me'. Would I feel like I'd have to explain why it doesn't fit? What do I really want for myself? What kind of life do I really want to live? I've trapped myself into an existence that doesn't really have meaning for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy with my life. I just don't know that I'm actually living the life I was meant to live. I've been drifting along trying not to rock the boat.
Anyway, I still haven't figured out what to talk about on the FlyShow today. lol Guess it will come to me like it always does.
I'm sure that part of what has brought this on is the situation with Brad. I don't want my life turned inside out again but I'll feel bad if I don't help him. This is a lose-lose. He's supposed to got to see his PO today. Then he said he would call and talk to me about Amanda. All I've ever seen in that relationship is disrespect, verbal abuse and the two of them trying to control each other. He said that he loved her, and maybe he still does, but it's an abusive relationship at best. If he wants her in his life he's going to have to do that on his own. As a matter of fact, he's going to have to do it all on his own because I'm not going to enable him again. Bailing him out does not help him. I'm not sure what he's going to want when he calls, but no matter what it is I have to be strong enough to say 'no' to him. I love Brad and always will, but I don't particularly like his behavior. He's foul mouthed, he has anger issues and he's not always truthful. But he has a great sense of humor, he wants nothing more than to be loved, and he's my boy. How do I say 'no' to him?
Completely changing the subject:
I went for my walk this morning. This book on tape is really good. It definitely has my attention. It makes walking even more of a pleasure. I've been getting out there every day and walking. Even on days that I don't feel like walking. I'm doing great!
Today is FlyShow day. I need to think about what I'm going to talk about today. I know it will have to do with emotional body clutter, but I'm not sure what exactly.
I was thinking about Marla last night. I'm worried that she is 'cluttering' her life up with all of these new things she is doing. Sometimes I think that if we don't have physical clutter around we make mental or emotional clutter to take it's place. She has so many things going on at one time and I don't think she's able to put time into all of them to make them work. She started jumpcut and has kind of left that. She puts a lot of time into Eric Dodge's career. Now she has this new guy, Jonathan Roche, her virtual trainer, that she's now working with. And last night she emailed us about another little project she's been working on (benefitbar) that will need some of her time. Maybe I'm just unnecessarily worrying about her. Maybe she is the kind of person that can successfully do this many things at one time. Maybe I'm just being selfish and I want her to make the Flybabies her first priority. As she becomes more popular, she's going to have less time to do what made her popular - taking care of her Flybabies. Maybe I'm just feeling like all of these things she's doing is bringing in too much clutter into my life. I guess I need to work on my boundaries and just do what is right for me. I can't do that many things at one time so I'm feeling anxious for her. I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I just worry about the path she is/I am going down. It doesn't seem simple enough any more. There seems to be a lot of clutter. I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed in general these days. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way about their lives or about Marla.
Somehow I need to figure out what is really bothering me so I can discuss it with Marla and Leanne today. I feel like I've done a great job at decluttering my home and I don't like the way it feels when my life starts feeling cluttered. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm thinking that this is my own, personal problem. When something new comes along, I want to be involved in it. I want to be part of 'the club'. If I don't jump on the band wagon, then I feel like I'm left out. If it's good for 'everyone else' then it must be good for me too. But I know that's not true. I have to decide what fits into my life, my routine and what doesn't. What works for someone else doesn't necessarily work for me. And that's okay. It's supposed to be okay anyway. I don't know that it really is for me.
I guess the issue that sticks out in the last couple of days is that I have a hard time saying 'no' to whatever comes along. I want to feel like part of the gang, so I try to incorporate everything into my routine whether it fits or not. I usually know at the beginning that it won't fit, but I talk myself into trying it anyway. I need to get comfortable with my routine before I start changing it up or adding to it.
So, what do I talk about today on the FlyShow? How is this emotional body clutter effecting my physical body clutter? I gained a bit back today because I ate too many carbs again yesterday. I was feeling 'nervous' and when I feel nervous I turn to carbs. Maybe that's what I should talk about today.
Can taking in too many suggestions become clutter in our lives? Everyone has something to offer and if we take it all to heart then it is bound to clutter up our lives.
Okay, I just took a break and has my smoothie for breakfast. I shouldn't wait too long after walking to take in some energy. So that's done.
I wish I could be more articulate about what I'm dealing with today.
I just thought about something else in my life that makes me feel the same way. I joined a bible study here in our community quite some time ago. I go off and on. Mostly I go out of a sense of obligation. I said I'd go, so I should go. I know that people wonder about me if I don't show up. I'm not brave enough to say that I don't want to go anymore, so I just keep going, letting it clutter up my life. It's not that it's a bad thing. It isn't. It's a great get together. But I don't know that it's for me. I can make a choice to not go, but I'd feel like I'm disapponting people if I do that. I wish I could just show up when I feel like showing up and not have to worry about explaining myself on times that I don't.
In addition to the bible study, I've also been asked to do other activities in the community and to do volunteer things outside the community (but with community members). I have attended a couple events but honestly don't feel like it's something that I want to do long term. It's the same thing: I'd like to show up when I feel like it and not have to explain when I don't.
That's how I feel about most things in my life. I want to 'show up' when it feels right and 'stay away' when it doesn't. I don't mean that it's a negative or bad thing, just that on that day I don't want to be involved. And I don't want to feel like I owe anyone an explanation about why I wasn't there. I don't feel like there is a happy medium. I either have to show up every time or explain why I didn't.
I also don't want to be volunteered to do things. As soon as it feels like an obligation, I bow out. May not be the right way to feel, but I do feel that way. I was doing some volunteer work, showing up when I felt up to it, but then it was almost assumed that I wouldn't mind picking someone else up to go too. Well, I haven't gone since I was 'volunteered'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. There are going to be days that I don't go and I don't want that to mean that the other person can't go because I don't.
Is any of this making any sense? What have I stumbled onto here? Do I have a fear of responsibility? I guess this makes this come full circle. I feel like I'm living my life the wrong way. I'm trying to do what others want me to do. Not because they are making me, but because I have a hard time saying 'no'. I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to let people down. But is that really what I'd be doing? Isn't it more disappointing to tell people that I'll be involved and then keep ducking out? What if I went through a whole day and just did what I wanted to do? Not being selfish or thoughtless, but doing what fits for me, what feels best. Would I even know what to do? Why can't I just say 'thanks for the invite but that doesn't work for me'. Would I feel like I'd have to explain why it doesn't fit? What do I really want for myself? What kind of life do I really want to live? I've trapped myself into an existence that doesn't really have meaning for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy with my life. I just don't know that I'm actually living the life I was meant to live. I've been drifting along trying not to rock the boat.
Anyway, I still haven't figured out what to talk about on the FlyShow today. lol Guess it will come to me like it always does.
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